Is it wrong to copy an online dating profile word for word to post on my blog for amusement? I certainly hope not because I came across a profile that is way too awesome to let pass without mention. Copyright and Trademark and whatever other key words will keep me from litigation…here we go.
Picture this: I get an email from a dating web site telling me a guy is interested in me. Essentially, he ‘winked at’ or ‘poked’ me. His chosen profile name screams, ‘I’m a poster boy for low self-esteem and you’ll never like me, but oh yeah…my name is John’. Then I click on his actual profile because Why Not? and I see the guy who just sold someone the biggest used car lemon of their lives with a side of I-Just-Killed-My-Next-Door-Neighbor, but oh yeah…my name is Big Goober’.
I scroll down anyway and oh, what a fantastic payoff for my time! Here it is, ladies and gents, for your personal enjoyment.
i have really been thru it the last few years…i just cant understand why it’s so hard to find faithful, loyal, and honest in a cute package. is it really that hard to be those things???it is beyond me how a woman can post pictures of her kids and her boobs at the same time, does anyone think about things before they do them???i also question the judgement of people who post pictures of their children on here…especially with their names!
i have a weakness for nerdy, quirky women in not much make-up and glasses(bonus for curly hair)…and a particular affinity for teachers!!! i love it!
here are a few things that, if seen in your profile, will get you ignored…
3. too much cleavage showin intentionally
4. ANY two fingered hand sign flashin…especially with your tongue stuck out gene simmonsesque or pouty lipped (see#2 above)
5. misuse of words/bad grammar…i can’t spell a lick but i know which word i’m goin for!!! ie: there/they’re/their, to/too/two, your/you’re, using the word “myself” incorrectly in a feeble attempt to sound more intelligent…also, just so you know, if you’re adding “-ing” to a word you should drop the “E”- such as in “loving” and “caring” (loveing??? really????)
6. “cute” captions with your pics…that just cheesy…but if YOU’RE gonna do it, do it right..
it’s not “soandso and I”…it’s soandso and ME!!! would you just put “i” under a picture??? i think not
7. glamour shots…for the love of all thats holy
8. pics of pics/bathroom mirror pics…yeah, the first place i want to see you is in the room you crap in
9. “long walks on the beach” “curled up on the couch” “whether it be in heels and a black dress or jeans and a tee” “not afraid to get dirty” “i work hard and play hard”…these are in every profile
10. if you’re lookin up in all your pics, we know you’re hidin a double chin…its true
11. just so you know…if you’re large enough to be a lineman that doesnt make you athletic…and anything over 160 is not average…i’m sorry it’s true. you can cry now.
12. think of “a few” in “a few extra pounds in monetary terms…is 50 or even 20 a few dollars??? if someone said, “loan me a few bucks for lunch” are you shellin out 10s and 20s??? nope
13. if you are not only over weight, but you make up for it by smokin…nice
14. the number of children you have is usually inversely proportionate to the number of pictures of dogs you have in your profile…
15. “smokes occasionally”??? really??? thats a yes or no question..you do or you dont. “i smoke when i drink”-you smoke
16. “i have one” “working” “good job” as an answer for profession screams “wal-mart greeter”\
17. “prefer not to say” assumes the worst…assumes worse than the worst actually
18. the whole “white shirt/khaki shorts” combo on the beach…yeah, thats not over done at all
19. if the word “sassy” appears anywhere in your profile…especially as a caption for a picture, which brings me to the next:
20. if EVERY ONE of your pictures is captioned with something that tries to be cute like “caught you lookin”
21. “i am still great friends with my ex”…it’s a divorce. move on. if this works for you then great…i know from experience it doesnt work for me to date a woman who is friends with an ex. an ex anything as a matter of fact: husband, boyfriend, fwb. it doesnt work…and on a related note, if you dated a cop at one time or another, this spells trouble. i know this from experience as well…
22. testamonials on your profile…creeeepy
so…what am i lookin for??? here it is in a nutshell :
i want first and foremost someone who is honest and dependable and loyal…who always follows thru on promises and never breaks their word…someone who is family oriented and puts family ahead of career and everything else…someone to go places and do things with who will dote on me and show me attn and love-you have no idea how much youll get back if you do!…who will think im pretty cool and be proud of me…who will put me ahead of their ex and not get up from a dinner i cooked to talk to him on the phone(yup it did)…who will wear earrings bc i bought them as a gift even if you dont like em so much(that too)…who wont blow off christmas and holidays to go shoppin or break anniversary plans with a “sht happens”(can you believe i stayed a year???haha)…
so, onto my favorite subject: me! haha
things about me that you should know:
1. the most important thing in the world to me is family…if you dont have people you can depend on, what do you really have? i am not career oriented at all. i have my treasure in other places. i have the two best kids in the world and i work a crummy night job just so i can see them every day. i pick them up from school and keep them until about 6 or so. i have them every other weekend too. i think too many dads write a check and are content to be a dad 4 days a month. i am with my kids because i need them as much as they need me. we are very close and i am also close to my parents whom i respect more than any two people i know. if you can tell alot about a man by the way he treats his mom, go home with me sometime…it will probably be enough.
2. i have no pets but there are two lesbians who live behind me that i feed from time to time.
3. i love to cook…i think a great sunday is findin a cool new recipe in the bookstore and goin to the grocery store to buy the stuff together and cooking and laughing with lots of music and a little beer…
4. i love my arm held in the grocery store…
5. i think that facebook can potentially ruin a relationship and im not too keen on tons of guy friends and guys writing crap on your wall…im just sayin…im just sayin
6. i usually go for younger women, at times much younger. maybe thats my problem but it seems to suit me. i am active and young at heart. i seem to attract younger women too…i guess guys under 30 are boys.
7. i dont take much seriously but the few things i do i take very seriously…like lies and broken promises which are deal breakers to me immediately.
8. i know how to fix your car; drive it to the shop.
9. i never wave at strangers bc they might not have arms and think im just bein a jerk.
10. i love me some jimmy buffett!!! he is my favorite and i listen to him all the time…
11. i love nerdy girls who are smart and quirky and if you wear glasses and not much make-up, you have an unfair advantage already…i am a science/trivia geek myself. my fav show is mythbusters!
I have a new hero. I know it’s going to be difficult but please ladies, refrain yourselves from contacting me to beg for his info.
On a distantly related note….I never know when it’s appropriate to mention these things but I’ve met a new guy. By ‘met’ I mean we’ve been friends at work for a few years now and we just graduated to talking outside of work. I don’t really know what to say about it except it’s good right now. Genuinely good guy, smart (much smarter than I probably), a hard worker, and his sweet little Engineer personality makes me happy.
Things are progressing slowly this time around and I’m really happy about that. My main focus is not making the same mistakes with him as I have in past situations. I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job at that so far. Hope is just beginning to round the corner once again.
A little Banksy love.