I HAVE to share.

Is it wrong to copy an online dating profile word for word to post on my blog for amusement?  I certainly hope not because I came across a profile that is way too awesome to let pass without mention. Copyright and Trademark and whatever other key words will keep me from litigation…here we go.

Picture this:  I get an email from a dating web site telling me a guy is interested in me.  Essentially, he ‘winked at’ or ‘poked’ me.  His chosen profile name screams, ‘I’m a poster boy for low self-esteem and you’ll never like me, but oh yeah…my name is John’.  Then I click on his actual profile because Why Not? and I see the guy who just sold someone the biggest used car lemon of their lives with a side of I-Just-Killed-My-Next-Door-Neighbor, but oh yeah…my name is Big Goober’.

I scroll down anyway and oh, what a fantastic payoff for my time!  Here it is, ladies and gents, for your personal enjoyment.

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just so you know…i usually date younger. it suits my personality; but i am starting to see why that doesnt work so well, haha. i also tend to attract younger, i guess guys are boys until theyre 30 or so, i know i was…ha
i have really been thru it the last few years…i just cant understand why it’s so hard to find faithful, loyal, and honest in a cute package. is it really that hard to be those things???it is beyond me how a woman can post pictures of her kids and her boobs at the same time, does anyone think about things before they do them???i also question the judgement of people who post pictures of their children on here…especially with their names!

i have a weakness for nerdy, quirky women in not much make-up and glasses(bonus for curly hair)…and a particular affinity for teachers!!! i love it!

here are a few things that, if seen in your profile, will get you ignored…

1.kissy-pics…cmon
2. pouty-pics…
3. too much cleavage showin intentionally
4. ANY two fingered hand sign flashin…especially with your tongue stuck out gene simmonsesque or pouty lipped (see#2 above)
5. misuse of words/bad grammar…i can’t spell a lick but i know which word i’m goin for!!! ie: there/they’re/their, to/too/two, your/you’re, using the word “myself” incorrectly in a feeble attempt to sound more intelligent…also, just so you know, if you’re adding “-ing” to a word you should drop the “E”- such as in “loving” and “caring” (loveing??? really????)
6. “cute” captions with your pics…that just cheesy…but if YOU’RE gonna do it, do it right..
it’s not “soandso and I”…it’s soandso and ME!!! would you just put “i” under a picture??? i think not
7. glamour shots…for the love of all thats holy
8. pics of pics/bathroom mirror pics…yeah, the first place i want to see you is in the room you crap in
9. “long walks on the beach” “curled up on the couch” “whether it be in heels and a black dress or jeans and a tee” “not afraid to get dirty” “i work hard and play hard”…these are in every profile
10. if you’re lookin up in all your pics, we know you’re hidin a double chin…its true
11. just so you know…if you’re large enough to be a lineman that doesnt make you athletic…and anything over 160 is not average…i’m sorry it’s true. you can cry now.
12. think of “a few” in “a few extra pounds in monetary terms…is 50 or even 20 a few dollars??? if someone said, “loan me a few bucks for lunch” are you shellin out 10s and 20s??? nope
13. if you are not only over weight, but you make up for it by smokin…nice
14. the number of children you have is usually inversely proportionate to the number of pictures of dogs you have in your profile…
15. “smokes occasionally”??? really??? thats a yes or no question..you do or you dont. “i smoke when i drink”-you smoke
16. “i have one” “working” “good job” as an answer for profession screams “wal-mart greeter”\
17. “prefer not to say” assumes the worst…assumes worse than the worst actually
18. the whole “white shirt/khaki shorts” combo on the beach…yeah, thats not over done at all
19. if the word “sassy” appears anywhere in your profile…especially as a caption for a picture, which brings me to the next:
20. if EVERY ONE of your pictures is captioned with something that tries to be cute like “caught you lookin”
21. “i am still great friends with my ex”…it’s a divorce. move on. if this works for you then great…i know from experience it doesnt work for me to date a woman who is friends with an ex. an ex anything as a matter of fact: husband, boyfriend, fwb. it doesnt work…and on a related note, if you dated a cop at one time or another, this spells trouble. i know this from experience as well…
22. testamonials on your profile…creeeepy

so…what am i lookin for??? here it is in a nutshell :

i want first and foremost someone who is honest and dependable and loyal…who always follows thru on promises and never breaks their word…someone who is family oriented and puts family ahead of career and everything else…someone to go places and do things with who will dote on me and show me attn and love-you have no idea how much youll get back if you do!…who will think im pretty cool and be proud of me…who will put me ahead of their ex and not get up from a dinner i cooked to talk to him on the phone(yup it did)…who will wear earrings bc i bought them as a gift even if you dont like em so much(that too)…who wont blow off christmas and holidays to go shoppin or break anniversary plans with a “sht happens”(can you believe i stayed a year???haha)…
so, onto my favorite subject: me! haha
things about me that you should know:
1. the most important thing in the world to me is family…if you dont have people you can depend on, what do you really have? i am not career oriented at all. i have my treasure in other places. i have the two best kids in the world and i work a crummy night job just so i can see them every day. i pick them up from school and keep them until about 6 or so. i have them every other weekend too. i think too many dads write a check and are content to be a dad 4 days a month. i am with my kids because i need them as much as they need me. we are very close and i am also close to my parents whom i respect more than any two people i know. if you can tell alot about a man by the way he treats his mom, go home with me sometime…it will probably be enough.

2. i have no pets but there are two lesbians who live behind me that i feed from time to time.

3. i love to cook…i think a great sunday is findin a cool new recipe in the bookstore and goin to the grocery store to buy the stuff together and cooking and laughing with lots of music and a little beer…

4. i love my arm held in the grocery store…

5. i think that facebook can potentially ruin a relationship and im not too keen on tons of guy friends and guys writing crap on your wall…im just sayin…im just sayin

6. i usually go for younger women, at times much younger. maybe thats my problem but it seems to suit me. i am active and young at heart. i seem to attract younger women too…i guess guys under 30 are boys.

7. i dont take much seriously but the few things i do i take very seriously…like lies and broken promises which are deal breakers to me immediately.

8. i know how to fix your car; drive it to the shop.

9. i never wave at strangers bc they might not have arms and think im just bein a jerk.

10. i love me some jimmy buffett!!! he is my favorite and i listen to him all the time…

11. i love nerdy girls who are smart and quirky and if you wear glasses and not much make-up, you have an unfair advantage already…i am a science/trivia geek myself. my fav show is mythbusters!

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I have a new hero.  I know it’s going to be difficult but please ladies, refrain yourselves from contacting me to beg for his info.

On a distantly related note….I never know when it’s appropriate to mention these things but I’ve met a new guy.  By ‘met’ I mean we’ve been friends at work for a few years now and we just graduated to talking outside of work.  I don’t really know what to say about it except it’s good right now.  Genuinely good guy, smart (much smarter than I probably), a hard worker, and his sweet little Engineer personality makes me happy.

Things are progressing slowly this time around and I’m really happy about that.  My main focus is not making the same mistakes with him as I have in past situations.  I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job at that so far.  Hope is just beginning to round the corner once again.

A little Banksy love.

I need brain bleach, please.

I haven’t updated in two weeks now, not because nothing has happened, but because my mind has mutinied and is determined to slowly drive me insane.

Over the past two weeks there’s been some activity with all three guys I mentioned in my last post.  We’ve had a week of head smacks, a week of eye rolls, and now a week of roller coasters.

The guy who sent the duplicate email?  I’ll call him Dupe.  I responded with my contact info and he did text me.  We have had several ‘sessions’ of his text, my response, his text, my response, silence.  Frustrating?  Without a doubt.  And yet he apparently refuses to call and speak on the phone.  Probably needless to say but yeah, that got old pretty quickly.

The guy I chatted with on Messenger….I’ll call him Molasses because that’s about how quick he is doing stuff.  So after I wrote him off as gone, he hit me up on Messenger again and we chatted.  I think we ended up having another two or three conversations over a span of about a week.  This weekend he caught me online and Holy Hooker Heels, the man actually called my phone!  We talked for about 3 hours, mainly joking around and being silly.  It was nice.  But then he added me to his Facebook and I’m guessing the picture on his dating site profile is older….by about 4 or 5 years.  Or maybe it was a really good angle.  It’s not a deal breaker but I was somewhat put off by that.  We’ll see what happens though.  I haven’t written him off yet.

The old co-worker…ok well, I’ll just say it.  We’ve been hooking up.  Only twice but I know I’m not interested in anything more, so yeah it’s just a hook up.  Hey, a girl has needs.

So I’m about to be painfully honest here.  It’s not pretty and it’s not even a little smart, but it’s the truth.  I am hanging my head as I admit to you that I can’t stop thinking about Playboy lately – what we had, what we didn’t have due to his relationship, what we could’ve had if things had been different from the start, and worst of all, I think about him coming back to me and I want it.  Bad.  Sadly that’s not even the worst part because I also emailed him last week saying, ‘I miss you.  A lot.’  I know!  I know, I know, I know.  It’s only been about 5 weeks.

I was doing pretty well for a while.  I had stopped crying and tearing up, I’d stopped thinking about him as much…no more looking at my phone forlornly hoping it would ring every night, no more beating myself up about running yet another guy off, no more pity parties thinking about the fact that I will probably never find someone…  I really was doing good and I don’t know what changed, but that switch was flipped.

I was thinking about it over the weekend and I’m pretty sure that all these guys…I am using them all as a distraction.  I don’t want to be with any one of them right now.  Not one.  It’s sick but even though I’m not interested I let them stay there as a buffer between me and the loneliness.  Me and what was there before Playboy.  And to keep me from realizing Playboy’s not there anymore.

*Paging Dr. Phil….paging Dr. Phil…Code Red in the waiting room*

I would trade all 4 of the guys floating around to have Playboy.  Every single one of them.  It’s maybe one of the top 5 dumbest things I’ve ever said in my entire life.  Playboy doesn’t want me.  He doesn’t love me anymore.  He doesn’t miss me.  But God what I wouldn’t do to change all that.

So you see what I mean about my mind’s mutiny, and why I need brain bleach.  I am a glutton for punishment if I’ve ever seen one.

Sado-masochist, thy name is Myra22.

Last week’s summation…..*eye roll*

Between the co-worker who continues to proposition me for a hook-up, and the guy online who messaged me for the third time without any response, the week was pretty exasperating in online dating land.

First with the co-worker…..he’s been doing this for a few months at the least.  I usually take it with a grain of salt and joke around with him.  However, after Playboy left me I really didn’t have it in me to play along anymore.  I don’t know why it was so painful to me, but it was.  So I’ve told the co-worker no less than 58 times in the past few weeks that I am not looking for a hook-up.  I have explained to him that I just got out of a situation that was apparently just a hook-up on the other person’s part and I got hurt so I’m obviously not looking for a repeat.  I would have gotten better results talking to a goat’s ass.

Yes, he continues almost every day.  I nearly lost it last week when, after telling him again I wasn’t interested in what he was offering, he started hinting that he was looking for more too.  Fortunately his self-preservation gene kicked in right before I drop kicked him in the throat.  I had my Karate Kid swan hands ready and everything.

I can’t really say for certain what Playboy was doing in the “relationship” with me.  I won’t speak for him, but I will tell you how he left me feeling….like a doormat.  Like a fool.  Like an idiot.  When the two friends who knew about the situation would try to tell me I was heading for heartbreak, I chose to believe him.

I went and told him when my friends would talk to me about how guys don’t leave their girlfriends for the other woman.  He told me that wasn’t him.  I believed him.

I told him when she said, ‘He keeps you around because you are an ego boost.  You’re new…You laugh at his jokes…You think he’s great…that’s why you’re there.’  He told me that wasn’t true.  I believed him.

And when I told him ‘(My friend) said you’d never leave your girlfriend’ a few days later he told me he left her.  I believed him again.  But that was the kiss of death because it wasn’t three weeks later he took the one opportunity I gave him to leave, but not just leave…to leave when he could blame it on me.  He took that and a big piece of my heart and he ran.

Ok….woah…I got lost in my head for a minute there!  lol  I brought Playboy up to say I just got out of a situation with someone who told me what I wanted to hear, and when the co-worker even looked like that’s what he was about to do, I could have screamed.  And attacked.  lol  I did actually start to tear up.  I don’t know if it was pain or anger, but I almost lost it.

Guys, have a heart.  Please.  That’s all I’m asking.  Just have a heart.

Anyway, on the dating site I got 4 emails last week.  One from a guy who’s emailed me twice before.  His latest….’GOOD MORN’.  Seriously.  Two words and he couldn’t even make it all the way through the second one.  I doubt you have to wonder why I haven’t responded.

Two other guys I just wasn’t interested in.  They did email more than the first but I didn’t respond.  I realize that I should give guys a chance, that there’s occasionally a ‘diamond in the rough’.  I feel a little guilt when I do write people off without trying but sometimes the whole thing is so exasperating I just don’t have the desire to try.

Lastly, the cutie who emailed me two weeks or so ago that I never heard back from?  He emailed me again.  I’m not really sure what to think of it as this email is exactly -word for word – the same as the first.  However, after asking a friend she suggested maybe he didn’t get my first one.  So, I’ve sent him my contact information.  We shall see what happens.  However, if it doesn’t catch this time, I’m not trying with him again.  lol

Ooh, I almost forgot.  A guy I used to work with called me at the office last week.  He’s newly single and mentioned maybe getting together this week.  This is a guy I had a little crush on back when we worked together.  Nothing was ever done because he was married.  He’s been gone maybe a year now and in that time apparently separated from his wife.  So I figure maybe I’ll see what’s going on there.

And to update – last week I mentioned that I emailed a guy and we’d exchanged contact information.  Well, we chatted the next day on a messenger program.  Despite him describing himself as outgoing and ‘the life of the party’, chatting with him was like pulling teeth.  For the most part he didn’t offer much.  I finally gave up and asked if he’d like to talk on the phone or get together sometime thinking maybe it was just being on the computer.  He agreed so we exchanged phone numbers but I haven’t heard from him since.  Another one bites the dust….  lol

Online Dating… *head smack*

‘Hey’

‘hey how r u doing’

‘Hi’ then ‘how r u?’

These are all emails that I have received in the two weeks I’ve listed myself on a free online dating site.  Emails….as in this-is-all-it-said-in-the-entire-message emails from three separate men.  You may have noticed, it took Guy #3 two messages to ask how I was doing.  Apparently squeezing them into the same one was a little too cramped for him.

My first two or three days of online dating I was nice and would respond.  ‘Hey’ or ‘I’m good, thanks.  U?’  I quickly learned it’s much like the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship.  That’s the best you’re gonna get from those guys.  Understandably, I’m not so generous these days.

I mean, I don’t need a book of your life’s history (and yes, I have received one of those too) but give me something to go on here!  Make a little effort!  Just a short little, ‘Wanted to see if you’re interested in chatting sometime’.  Anything!

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‘good morning beautiful’

‘Hello there sweetie!~!~!~!’ and then ‘Hello there sunshine’

I’m going to overlook the guy who used squiggly marks with the exclamation points mainly because, wth do you say to that?

These are subject lines on other emails I have received.  At least these two guys wrote more than 4 words inside the message so I give them credit for that.  However, the terms of endearment make me cringe no matter who sends them.

I will admit though, I have a bit of a double standard on this.  I get called ‘sweetie’ or ‘honey’ or ‘darlin’ around work all the time and it barely registers.  Take it over to a dating site and it’s like I have spiders crawling all over me.  It really gets under my skin.

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So anyway, I’m now on Day 18 of Online Dating.  Not a lot of promising results so far.  Two guys have emailed me that I was somewhat interested in.  One turned out to be a skeez asking for nude pictures (Um…no!).

It was strange because we’re having this normal exchange via email (using it more like an IM program) and out of nowhere I get a second email from him (while the other is still in progress) asking if I have any more pictures of myself.

Me:  ‘I posted 4 or 5 on my profile.  What kind of pictures are you talking about?’

*normal email continues*

Him:  ‘I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything by asking for naked pictures.  But if there are pictures you are comfortable sending…’

Seriously.  I was dumb enough to continue the normal email thinking maybe I was taking it wrong.  He continued to then ask if I live in a house or apartment, and if I live alone.  Why did I bother?

The other I responded to but he never contacted again.  This one I was pretty disappointed about because he was cute and sounded like a nice guy on the profile.

On the plus side, I emailed a guy yesterday and as of this morning we exchanged contact info but haven’t actually spoken outside of that yet.  We’ll see how that turns out.