J. K. Rowling, we have a problem.

Dear Ms. (Mrs?) Rowling,

I have heard great things about your Harry Potter series of books.  The movies as well, but I refuse to watch them until I’ve read the books, so for now we’re focusing on the books.  Problem is, I have not yet read any of the books and at the current rate, I may never even make it to the movies.

Within the expanse of the last two or three weeks I have tried several times to find your Harry Potter series online in order to purchase and load it onto my Kindle.  As a result, I spent many wasted minutes questioning my sanity as well as my internet navigation skills each time my search came up empty handed.

‘Where are all the Harry Potter books?’ I ask myself while staring blankly at my empty search screen.  ‘It’s not like I’m asking for some obscure book from 1826, I mean, only every single person on the planet above the age of 7 or 8 are familiar with these books….Harry Potter.  H-a-r-r-y space P-o-t-t-e-r, yep, I spelled it correctly.  What’s wrong with Amazon?  Is it not working today?  Let me try another book…..Well, it found Green Eggs and Ham.  Maybe I need a full title because there are so many?  Harry Potter and the Prisoner….Nothing.  Harry Potter and the Stone….Nada.  Well crap.  I’ll just get Eat, Pray, Love.’

So out of frustration I did a web search asking why your books are not on Amazon, J.K. Rowling.  You know what I find?  I bet you do.  I bet you’re snickering to yourself right now because you already know what’s coming, don’t you?  You won’t let your books be made available in eReader format, J.K. Rowling!!!  What the….

Are we familiar yet?  Can I call you J.?  Or do you prefer J.K.?  Look, I think it’s so fantastically superb and awesome that you’re all “Print Books 4-Eva” with your millions of sales standing up for the “little guys” Books-a-Million and Barnes and Noble.  That’s really excellent.  Warm and fuzzies for everyone.

(I kid, J.K. Rowling!!  I kid!!!  I know it’s about actual books vs. eReaders.  Keeping it old school.  I get it!  Really I do.  We’re still friends, yes?)

However!  I don’t know that you’ve actually picked up and held one of your actual books recently.  Do you realize with all that amazing wizardry and alakazam-ary you packed into each book they weigh about 27 lbs. each?  And they’re freaking humongous!!!!!  Monstrous!

I’m just sayin’, J.K. Rowling….what’s my backbone gotta do to get a shout out once in a while?  Because what I am reading stays with me at all times – in my purse that weighs about 42 lbs. on average with all the pointlessness I pack in there.  I’m serious.  Harry P. and his 27 lbs. ain’t gonna make the cut, J. K. Rowling!  And I really want to read them!

I have a Kindle because it’s easy.  Because I can carry 3,500 books with me all at the same time and it still weighs one pound.  You know what I’m reading right now?  War and Peace.  That’s right, J.K. Rowling!  The one book that dwarfs Harry P. and company.  Do you think for one second Tolstoy would’ve made it past my front door if he hadn’t gotten that eReader makeover?  Not in a million years.

But hark, I hear an angel sing, J.K. Rowling!  Because when I purchased my Kindle, I did not immediately stop purchasing real books.  In fact, I collect older ones!  J.K. Rowling, in my house right now I have a collection of Shakespeare that is over 100 years old.  Who’s old school now?!?!?  Holla!!!

I love the real thing!  And I promise, I promise, I promise that if you will just let me have your books on my little Kindle, I will not allow their paper ancestors to fall to the wayside forgotten and alone in a ditch somewhere.  I just want to enter old age gracefully without a hump in my back with Harry P. and crew’s name on it.  Can we compromise, J.K. Rowling?  Do we have a deal?


Aspiring Potter Fan