You ever have those moments where everything seems right in your world – even if it’s not completely – and peace just surrounds you? I had one of those moments this weekend. Ironically enough, it was while riding in a car packed full of people with a two-year-old screaming at the top of his lungs in the back seat. Yes, someone may have thought me delirious from the heat if they’d seen me. Alas, my sanity was fully intact.
I was reflecting over the past week, and over a conversation I’d had with Playboy the previous night. I guess I’d say it was an epiphany of sorts, but also it was just a feeling of complete peace and happiness. Satisfaction. No, things are certainly not perfect in my life, but I was happy with where they were in that moment.
My birthday was last week and though my mother did not acknowledge the day, I had lots and lots of friends (and other family) wishing me a happy day. Dinner at my favorite restaurant that night with my best friend. Then on girls night later in the week I finally felt like a part of the group. Finally! I let go and I was the real me only those closest to me see. There was a fantastic dinner cooked by my best friend, and after opening my gifts, the group played board games until we all had to go home. It was so much fun and such a delightful birthday. Probably one of my best.
On Friday night I had a conversation with Playboy that really kind of opened my eyes to some of my behavior. I realized while talking to him that I ask these dumb questions repeatedly probably every day. ‘What if’ and ‘what would you do’ and ‘how do you feel’….the problem is, they’re not really questions. They’re my way of getting him to constantly reassure me that he’s still ‘here’. No one likes that girl, including me.
Skip ahead to Saturday and I’m on my way to a zoo with a group of friends. It was my joint birthday wish with another friend whose birthday is close to mine. As my mind wanders I start to think about the previous week and I am so proud of myself for finally being able to open up. This is where the happy comes in.
I think about how much fun everyone had at girls night, about how much more comfortable I felt suddenly. I think about how these girls who really only barely knew me had gotten together on girls night to celebrate my birthday, even bringing gifts. And how right then we’re all packed into two cars driving two hours out of town to go to a zoo partially for me.
Then I think about Playboy and the situation with him. This is where the epiphany comes in.
There’s a whole story that I could insert right here but I won’t right now. However, he’s already ‘here’. Things are going in the direction I’ve been waiting on and pretty soon I’ll be right where I want to be. I don’t need to constantly question him for reassurance or proof. What he’s doing right now, he’s proving it.
And regardless of all that, my questions would never keep him around if he wanted to leave, they’re not what got him here to begin with, and they’re certainly not what’s keeping him here right now. I realized that I can relax and just let things flourish on their own. Enjoy it!
The sad truth is, when I was questioning him there was nothing he could say that was right or enough. Nothing ever reassured me. It was never enough. And I speak in past tense even though it was just 3 days ago because hopefully I am done with it.
So with all that epiphany and happy floating around, this is where the peace comes in. It was a beautiful sunny day – hot and muggy as hell, unfortunately – but I was with real, quality friends on my way to a new zoo (and animals make my heart sing), I’m in love with a guy and soon it shall be, and all was well in my world. Gotta love times like that. Sunny, Clear, and Breezy…..