You put your arms around me and I’m home

First off this stuff….

is fantastic!!  My hair was getting a little dry from all the pointless curling ironing I do to it (because my hair refuses to curl.  Ever.) and so I picked up one of these gigantic bottles thinking, ‘Eh.  Maybe it’ll do a little something.’  Well, I’m loving it!  It’s made a huge difference in how my hair looks and feels.  So you know, if you have dry hair, give it a go!  Redken, All Soft shampoo.

*~*~*~

So, I’ve been exhibiting some alarming behavior lately…

There’s this guy, you see.  And normally a guy is a pretty private thing in my life.  Like one person may know, if anyone.   I may mention to other people that there is a guy, but it’s more like a, ‘Oh yeah.  A guy exists.  Meh.’ kinda thing.  Because when it comes to men I am nothing if not unaffected.

Right.

Over the past few weeks though I’ve felt a bit of a change.  I felt certain urges to actually mention this guy.  In conversation.  With other people.  Not just a ‘he exists, meh’ but more of ‘he said blah blah blah’ followed with choruses of ‘awws’ and ‘how sweets’.  I haven’t, but I’ve thought about it.

A few weeks ago I did mention this friend to my boss.  He doesn’t have a name yet, but I guess I wanted to acknowledge his existence that day.  Then within the past week I’ve mentioned him twice to two different people!  As in I brought it up, and I said to both of them how much I really like this guy.  That. Doesn’t. Happen.

I will say that every time I catch myself doing this I walk away with this sense of, ‘Uh oh.  He’ll disappear now for sure!’ but for now things are still on the upswing.  Thank you, Lord!

Yesterday I was wading through the vast black hole that is Pinterest and suddenly realized everything I’d repinned was posted in my ‘Maybe One Day’ board and we all know what that means.  Hairstyles, decor, even a dress.  What the…hold up!  I need a recipe, stat!  Where’s a coffee filter wreath when you need one?!?!?

Seeing how he’s still a ‘friend’ and not a ‘boyfriend’ I know it seems strange that I would be thinking in that direction but I will say that he’s been around for a bit now.  It may be a little too much but there’s a lot of water under that bridge, and while it seems crazy, it’s not as ‘psycho girl just installed a tracker on your car’ as it sounds.  It wasn’t about writing his last name with my first in a notebook where I’m planning our future dream wedding, it was more about the fact that he makes me think something like that is possible at some point.  And that I want it.  (There is no notebook, btw.)

I’m just saying….This one is something special, I think.  It’s scary, but I’m ready.  Ready, ready, ready.

 

I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling.
I’ll never let a love get so close.
You put your arms around me and I’m home.

~ Christina Perri, Arms

I’m not dead.

A friend of mine requested that I update after my last post just to knock it off the top spot.  And you know, to let everyone know I didn’t commit suicide after I wrote it.  So ah…yeah.  I’m still here.  For the sake of an update, things have gotten better with that particular situation so yay for that.

You ever have those moments – however fleeting – where you just don’t know what’s happening and you’re tired of wondering/thinking about it and whatever it is, it’s not looking good at the moment?  Well that’s what that was.  After I posted it and reread I thought, ‘Woah.’ but I left it up all the same.  It’s me, pretty or not.

So in the spirit of random updatery, this morning I got an annual evaluation at work.  When you are describing your work ‘style’ to your boss and say, ‘I’m kind of all over the place.  Like, I have ADD.’ and your boss responds with, ‘Yeah, I know,’ that’s not really a good thing, is it?

Despite that I got pretty good marks on everything.  On both Job Knowledge and Compliance with Laws, Regulations, Etc I got the highest mark possible (a ‘5’) which I was really happy about.  Those are a big deal in my job.  And, I was told I am an asset to my company.  I guess that means they’ll keep me a little longer.  Three cheers for regular paychecks and being able to pay bills!

Oh and guess what!  I’ve made friends with my Kindle again!  Strangely enough, these Kindles don’t really do well when they’re tossed around and beaten up in your purse for months without being used.  Go figure.  However, if you charge them up and actually start to use them regularly again, they work like a charm!

With the friendship rekindled (pun intended – har dee har har), I’ve read 2 1/2 books over the past week or so.  First up was Water for Elephants which was pretty decent.  I enjoyed the story but, without spoiling it all, I wish the author would’ve given a little more ‘after’ story.  A more thorough wrap-up.  I wanted to know what the characters lives were like after all that drama.  What did they do?  How did they live?  So that was disappointing, but I did enjoy what was told and if my only problem was that I was so invested in the characters that I wanted to know more, then that’s not a bad problem to have.  I’d recommend it.

Then I read An Invisible Thread – kind of The Blind Side-esque.  It was ok in that, for me, it was like Wal-mart to The Blind Side’s Target.  Cheaper, dirtier, drearier, and not as neat with less desirable customers but I guess it gets the job done.  For those who have seen The Blind Side, I wouldn’t bother.  Story’s been told.  Essentially.

And currently I’m reading the first book in the Game of Thrones series.  Not the typical genre I would reach for, but as you can tell my book choices are all over the map so I figured why not.  To be honest, I’m loving it!  I would recommend this one!

So anyway, I am still alive.  Things are good.  Work is good.  Kindle is good.  Go get Water for Elephants and/or Game of Thrones.  There ya go, Mer!

Stop.

I want so badly to give up the desire.  To end the craving.  I wish I could stomp the hope out like I could a dying fire.  When it hurts like this I want nothing more.  But I know, just like every other time, in a few days the hurt will start to fade.  I will forget how each one of these tears burn as they fall down my face.  I won’t remember the utter emptiness I feel, the depths of alone.  The despair when that hope dies, when the barren solitude returns.  These scars will be healing.  The bruises faded.

In a certain amount of time I will see someone else.  They will see me.  Hope will return.  We’ll talk and I’ll be funny and sarcastic.  He’ll eat it up like I’m his best discovery since his iPhone 4S.  There will be an attraction.  We’ll spend some time together.  At some point he will do something and I will feel the change.  It’s when I realize I care.

It won’t be too long after that when it will happen again.  I don’t know what it will be this time.  Maybe it’s some epiphany he will have.  Maybe it’s some other girl he spies.  Maybe it’s the direction of the wind that day.  Whatever brings it, it will come and I will feel that too, like a shift in Earth’s axis.  It’s when the control changes and suddenly he’s not as ‘there’ as he once was.  It’s not 50/50 anymore.  This is the point when I should stop, cut my losses, and head in the other direction but I won’t.  I will cling to his dying affection as if it’s my lifeblood.

He’ll become a little more distant, I will begin taking the burden on myself.  I will find a reason in my own mind for his behavior and so the battle will begin.  Battles are where I’ve spent most of my life.  So much so that it seems perfectly normal to me.  Expected.  I’m comfortable here.  It’s what I know.

Of course no one is going to love me for free.  I will have to fight for it.  So I bring out that battle-worn armor and I start preparing.  ‘This one I’m going to win,’ I tell myself even though I know in the back of my mind I won’t.  I know how this story goes.  It’s as familiar to me as the battle I’m about to fight.  But I won’t stop.  I can’t.  I don’t know how.  This is all I know.  If I stop they will leave and it’s just me again.

I HAVE to share.

Is it wrong to copy an online dating profile word for word to post on my blog for amusement?  I certainly hope not because I came across a profile that is way too awesome to let pass without mention. Copyright and Trademark and whatever other key words will keep me from litigation…here we go.

Picture this:  I get an email from a dating web site telling me a guy is interested in me.  Essentially, he ‘winked at’ or ‘poked’ me.  His chosen profile name screams, ‘I’m a poster boy for low self-esteem and you’ll never like me, but oh yeah…my name is John’.  Then I click on his actual profile because Why Not? and I see the guy who just sold someone the biggest used car lemon of their lives with a side of I-Just-Killed-My-Next-Door-Neighbor, but oh yeah…my name is Big Goober’.

I scroll down anyway and oh, what a fantastic payoff for my time!  Here it is, ladies and gents, for your personal enjoyment.

*~*~*~

just so you know…i usually date younger. it suits my personality; but i am starting to see why that doesnt work so well, haha. i also tend to attract younger, i guess guys are boys until theyre 30 or so, i know i was…ha
i have really been thru it the last few years…i just cant understand why it’s so hard to find faithful, loyal, and honest in a cute package. is it really that hard to be those things???it is beyond me how a woman can post pictures of her kids and her boobs at the same time, does anyone think about things before they do them???i also question the judgement of people who post pictures of their children on here…especially with their names!

i have a weakness for nerdy, quirky women in not much make-up and glasses(bonus for curly hair)…and a particular affinity for teachers!!! i love it!

here are a few things that, if seen in your profile, will get you ignored…

1.kissy-pics…cmon
2. pouty-pics…
3. too much cleavage showin intentionally
4. ANY two fingered hand sign flashin…especially with your tongue stuck out gene simmonsesque or pouty lipped (see#2 above)
5. misuse of words/bad grammar…i can’t spell a lick but i know which word i’m goin for!!! ie: there/they’re/their, to/too/two, your/you’re, using the word “myself” incorrectly in a feeble attempt to sound more intelligent…also, just so you know, if you’re adding “-ing” to a word you should drop the “E”- such as in “loving” and “caring” (loveing??? really????)
6. “cute” captions with your pics…that just cheesy…but if YOU’RE gonna do it, do it right..
it’s not “soandso and I”…it’s soandso and ME!!! would you just put “i” under a picture??? i think not
7. glamour shots…for the love of all thats holy
8. pics of pics/bathroom mirror pics…yeah, the first place i want to see you is in the room you crap in
9. “long walks on the beach” “curled up on the couch” “whether it be in heels and a black dress or jeans and a tee” “not afraid to get dirty” “i work hard and play hard”…these are in every profile
10. if you’re lookin up in all your pics, we know you’re hidin a double chin…its true
11. just so you know…if you’re large enough to be a lineman that doesnt make you athletic…and anything over 160 is not average…i’m sorry it’s true. you can cry now.
12. think of “a few” in “a few extra pounds in monetary terms…is 50 or even 20 a few dollars??? if someone said, “loan me a few bucks for lunch” are you shellin out 10s and 20s??? nope
13. if you are not only over weight, but you make up for it by smokin…nice
14. the number of children you have is usually inversely proportionate to the number of pictures of dogs you have in your profile…
15. “smokes occasionally”??? really??? thats a yes or no question..you do or you dont. “i smoke when i drink”-you smoke
16. “i have one” “working” “good job” as an answer for profession screams “wal-mart greeter”\
17. “prefer not to say” assumes the worst…assumes worse than the worst actually
18. the whole “white shirt/khaki shorts” combo on the beach…yeah, thats not over done at all
19. if the word “sassy” appears anywhere in your profile…especially as a caption for a picture, which brings me to the next:
20. if EVERY ONE of your pictures is captioned with something that tries to be cute like “caught you lookin”
21. “i am still great friends with my ex”…it’s a divorce. move on. if this works for you then great…i know from experience it doesnt work for me to date a woman who is friends with an ex. an ex anything as a matter of fact: husband, boyfriend, fwb. it doesnt work…and on a related note, if you dated a cop at one time or another, this spells trouble. i know this from experience as well…
22. testamonials on your profile…creeeepy

so…what am i lookin for??? here it is in a nutshell :

i want first and foremost someone who is honest and dependable and loyal…who always follows thru on promises and never breaks their word…someone who is family oriented and puts family ahead of career and everything else…someone to go places and do things with who will dote on me and show me attn and love-you have no idea how much youll get back if you do!…who will think im pretty cool and be proud of me…who will put me ahead of their ex and not get up from a dinner i cooked to talk to him on the phone(yup it did)…who will wear earrings bc i bought them as a gift even if you dont like em so much(that too)…who wont blow off christmas and holidays to go shoppin or break anniversary plans with a “sht happens”(can you believe i stayed a year???haha)…
so, onto my favorite subject: me! haha
things about me that you should know:
1. the most important thing in the world to me is family…if you dont have people you can depend on, what do you really have? i am not career oriented at all. i have my treasure in other places. i have the two best kids in the world and i work a crummy night job just so i can see them every day. i pick them up from school and keep them until about 6 or so. i have them every other weekend too. i think too many dads write a check and are content to be a dad 4 days a month. i am with my kids because i need them as much as they need me. we are very close and i am also close to my parents whom i respect more than any two people i know. if you can tell alot about a man by the way he treats his mom, go home with me sometime…it will probably be enough.

2. i have no pets but there are two lesbians who live behind me that i feed from time to time.

3. i love to cook…i think a great sunday is findin a cool new recipe in the bookstore and goin to the grocery store to buy the stuff together and cooking and laughing with lots of music and a little beer…

4. i love my arm held in the grocery store…

5. i think that facebook can potentially ruin a relationship and im not too keen on tons of guy friends and guys writing crap on your wall…im just sayin…im just sayin

6. i usually go for younger women, at times much younger. maybe thats my problem but it seems to suit me. i am active and young at heart. i seem to attract younger women too…i guess guys under 30 are boys.

7. i dont take much seriously but the few things i do i take very seriously…like lies and broken promises which are deal breakers to me immediately.

8. i know how to fix your car; drive it to the shop.

9. i never wave at strangers bc they might not have arms and think im just bein a jerk.

10. i love me some jimmy buffett!!! he is my favorite and i listen to him all the time…

11. i love nerdy girls who are smart and quirky and if you wear glasses and not much make-up, you have an unfair advantage already…i am a science/trivia geek myself. my fav show is mythbusters!

*~*~*~

I have a new hero.  I know it’s going to be difficult but please ladies, refrain yourselves from contacting me to beg for his info.

On a distantly related note….I never know when it’s appropriate to mention these things but I’ve met a new guy.  By ‘met’ I mean we’ve been friends at work for a few years now and we just graduated to talking outside of work.  I don’t really know what to say about it except it’s good right now.  Genuinely good guy, smart (much smarter than I probably), a hard worker, and his sweet little Engineer personality makes me happy.

Things are progressing slowly this time around and I’m really happy about that.  My main focus is not making the same mistakes with him as I have in past situations.  I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job at that so far.  Hope is just beginning to round the corner once again.

A little Banksy love.

Finally I’m free

That bullet right there?  Yep, that’s the one I just dodged.

See here for my emo-tastic post from last week if you need to catch up.

So Friday night I’m going out to eat with 12 of my buddies.  Standing in the restaurant awaiting our table, I get a text.  It’s Bean.

B: ‘Who is this’

I immediately want to throw my phone into the nearest wall because he knows exactly who he’s texting.  But I don’t.  Instead I answer his asinine question.

Me: ‘Crystal’  (Yep, that’s my real name.)

B: ‘Crystal’  (I didn’t realize texts came with echoes.)

Me: ‘Yes, Crystal’

B: ‘I just got a new phone.  Had to get names to number.’  (Because there’s no such thing as a sim card?  Or backup assistant?  Right.  I believe you.)

Despite the fact I am angry that he’s already lying to me, I decide to continue with the conversation curious as to where he might be headed.  Mind you, this is the first time I’ve heard from him since the last time we hooked up, and since I found out about the other girl.

Surprisingly enough he begins chatting like a normal human being.  I tell him what I’m doing, he tells me he’s about to do the same….that lasted about 30 minutes, mostly because of the time he took to respond.

Let me not mislead, I am spending this short amount of time hoping that he’s going to give me something….anything….that will make the past few weeks some kind of bad dream.  That will fix this where I can let him back in.  He doesn’t know this of course, but that’s what I’m doing.

30 minutes of normalcy is all there was, ladies and gents, before the real Bean came out.

He asked if I’d left my house yet.  When I told him yes and asked why, he responded that he wanted to know what I was wearing.  Seriously.

After ditching me for this other girl, not to mention the way he handled it, still not having addressed any of that with me, he wants to know what I’m wearing.

I told him it doesn’t matter anymore.

He asked me why.  (As if.)

I told him because he’s dating that other girl now.

He says ok and asks me an even more personal, sexual question.  All in the same text.

I respond, ‘I’m not doing this anymore.’

He says, ‘Ok that’s cool with me.’

I don’t respond again.  My first reaction is disappointment.  Yeah, it hurt.  He didn’t fix it like I’d hoped.  There was no resolution to be made.  That’s cool with him?  It’s that easy, huh?

But then I realize what really happened.

This other girl isn’t just astronomically better than me!  Because not two weeks after declaring her “someone special” he’s already texting me trying to step out in one way or another.  He’s the same Bean with her as he apparently was with me!  It wasn’t me!!!

And with that realization comes relief.  I’m glad that’s her problem and not mine anymore.

After dinner I go driving around with my girl power Destiny’s Child songs blasting, dancing and concerting all over town while I celebrate my ability to breathe freely once again.  I’m a survivor!!!

Then, speedbump.

On Saturday morning I’m heading for some canoeing with friends and I get a text.  Bean again.  This time he’s only asking directions (to a place in/around his town, which is not my town).  I give him the directions and he thanks me.  That’s the end of our conversation.

It’s not really the end though.  No, it didn’t ruin my day by a long shot.  I still went canoeing, I still had a blast with my fantastical friends.  He certainly did not ruin it but he was there, in the back of my mind all day long. And I’d so hoped for a thought-free canoe trip.  *sigh*

I wondered what the meaning of the text was.  Is he sad I ended things?  Does he want to come back?  Was his text some kind of subconscious signal that he doesn’t want it to be over?  He could’ve texted any of his other friends (especially those who actually live in that town) to give him directions.  He chose me.

So I’ll wrap things up for you.  First of all, I love my friends.  I had the best time canoeing and I don’t want it to come across like I moped around all day emo-ing over Bean.  I did not.

Secondly, I’m not upset over him like I was.  Friday night was still quite a release for me as I finally realize she’s not as special as he made her out to be.  And it has nothing to do with me.

Is there a part of me who wishes he would become the man I think he could be, realize what he missed in me, and come back a better man?  Wish that things had just gone bad last time, but that we could learn from it and get back where we were only better?  Absolutely there is, but I’m not holding my breath for that to happen.

The good thing that came out of all of this is that I no longer have to wonder about what made her special and not me.  Because she’s not any more special than I am.  Also, I stood up for myself.  I didn’t let him just worm his way back in like I normally would.  I shut it down.  Until he’s something worth spending my time on, I’m done (probably for good).

Hopefully the next time around, I’ll be a little smarter.  A little tougher.  For now, I’m free.

Dumpster Diving – figuratively

I hate being emo.  It’s just not fun.  But I gotta be honest, I’m really hurting today.  To the point that I’m angry and I want to punch someone in the face.

I think it was just Saturday that I was talking about the end of whatever it was with Bean and how I didn’t want to break someone else down to make myself feel better.  Well, that little Dali Lama rainbow moment has passed.

It’s my own fault because I should’ve taken the ending when it came Friday.  But there’s really no more horrible feeling in the world for me than hurt when I’m in it and I will do anything I can to make it stop.

So I Facebook stalked his page and when it looked like they’d ended for good on Saturday, I built this pretty little fairy tale in my mind of how…..let’s just say I convinced myself we were star-crossed lovers and buried my hurting heart right in the center of Delusion Central for the weekend and holiday.  Because it doesn’t hurt there.

Unfortunately my little vacation was up yesterday when I saw that they were back friends and the truth of my fairy tale was exposed for the mirage it was.  Just to make sure the pain was at maximum capacity, I texted him last night so he could have the opportunity to ignore me.

I don’t know what is wrong with me that I can’t look at a situation like this and see the bullet I’ve dodged.  I don’t know why I focus on the few miniscule things he did instead of all the glaringly obvious ways he underwhelmed.  I don’t know why I, a completely independent woman with her own house/car/good job, will throw myself at the feet of a man freeloading in a soon-to-be foreclosed house, with a car that hasn’t run at all in about 3 months, and a job that doesn’t even pay the bills, if he were someone who actually did something so responsible.

The worst part is, I saw all of this fairly early on.  I saw it and I shoved it in a closet to clean it up a little bit, I threw excuses at it to make it prettier, and I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see anything else that might be peeking out.  I’m telling you, if worthless guys were a business I could make a killing in Public Relations.

I let him use me for sex, I agreed to it.  “Yes, we can be friends with benefits.”  Because when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship I decided he had some issues and I’d just have to wait it out.

He told me…HE. TOLD. ME……not long ago that he’d never liked me in a relationship sense.  But then he told me he’d almost liked me and maybe he can again so I took that and built another little fairy tale in my head of what he “really” meant so I could stay a little longer.

I really shouldn’t have been surprised Friday when this girl popped up seemingly out of nowhere.  I’d predicted that from the beginning.  But when I told him to tell me if he ever met someone, I believed him when he told me he would.  And when he told me I was the only one (even just two weeks ago – the last time we hooked up), I believed him again.  So I could stay a little longer.

Now I’ve let this worthless excuse for a man leave me for some redneck-looking 30-year old “full time mommy and student” who wears entirely too much eyeliner, while I spend my time thinking of all the wonderful things he’s probably doing for her – that he never did for me – and all the ways she obviously must have been better than me.

I’m just so angry.  At myself, at him, at the fact that I don’t have anyone to go to when he’s already gone, and because I have let this epic waste of space make me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m unworthy, and unlovable.  I’m mad because I don’t know if it’s ever going to get better than this for me.

I’m not a princess.  This ain’t a fairy tale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet,
lead her up the stairwell.
This ain’t Hollywood.  This is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around.

~ I’m Not a Princess, Taylor Swift

Emo-tastic.

Where did all the gentlemen go?

I don’t know if it’s the vibe I give off, the type of people I am surrounded by, or if it’s just your regular Tuesday but I have found myself wondering lately where all the real gentlemen are hiding.  Are there even any left to find?  Surely they are not an extinct breed of man.

Hey fellas, what’s up with you guys?

Apparently gone are the days a man asks for your number and then calls a few days later to ask for a date that ends with a kiss on the cheek.  Now it’s texting.  It’s ‘send me naughty pictures’.  No one wants a relationship anymore, they don’t want to take you out and wine and dine you.  They want friends.  With benefits.  And nothing more.

Just this morning I was approached by a male co-worker.

‘Are you married?’

‘Nope, not married.’

‘You don’t want to be married.  Have to deal with some guy every day, every night.  Clean up after him.  You’re better off single.’

‘Aren’t you a guy?  Are you talking about yourself?’

‘Oh no!  Not me!  I was raised by a single mom so I know.’  Right.  Of course you do.

He leaves.  He comes back.

‘Yeah you don’t want to get married.’

‘Maybe I just need a friend then.’  As soon as it was out of my mouth I wanted to poke myself in the eyeball.  What was I thinking?!?!?

‘Oh yeah, you need a friend.  With benefits.  Can I be your friend?’

I spent the next 30 minutes wishing he wouldn’t pass by my door again and give me a smirk while calling me his friend.  He spent the next 30 minutes doing just that.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against the idea of a friend with benefits.  I completely understand the need for a mutually beneficial friendship, believe me.  I’ve been single long enough to know.  And if that’s what you’re looking for then by all means, go for it.  No shame in it.

But that’s not what I’m ultimately looking for.  I’m looking for a relationship.  For cold nights with warm arms to snuggle up in.  I want someone to care about me.  I want feelings.

It’s so discouraging to be solely approached by men who only want sex.  Why is this the norm now?  Are we as women really that easy these days that we’ve taught the guys this behavior is to be expected?

What’s happened?  Is it just me?  I wonder if every other woman on the planet gets asked on dates except me.  Surely not.

I have this idea in my mind that I yearn for.  It’s the one I’m waiting for.  He’s the guy who opens the door for me and holds my hand.  Who curls up on the couch with me on occasion.  He gets caught staring at me across the room because I’m all he sees.

Is this even possible anymore?  I wonder.

The co-worker from this morning?  Found out later he’s married. What the whaaaaat?

Less shocking to me these days as the majority of men who have approached me have turned out to be married.  Apparently while our will power seems to have taken a nosedive, the cheating husbands have shown up in surplus.  *sigh*

And then I ask myself, if that’s the case do I really want a man who I fall in love with just to be heartbroken and cheated on in a few years?  Maybe I do need to just stick with friends.  The gentlemen are on hiatus.

I found some pics!

Playing on my computer yesterday and I came across some pictures I took back around Thanksgiving which I spent with a friend and her family.  Knowing I love nature they took me to a local area with waterfalls.  How I completely forgot the pictures existed is beyond me but it was certainly nice to relive the memories!  Here are some of them:

Isn’t it beautiful?  I love places like that.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

To update on my self-imposed healthy life challenge, week 1 is almost over and though there has been no exercise this week, I haven’t picked up fast food.  Except this morning.

Don’t judge!  Girls Night was last night and I barely woke up at all this morning, much less woke up early when I could always just stop by and pick up breakfast on the way.  Then I comforted myself with thoughts of how well I’ve done all week and how such dedication deserves a reward.  Obviously.

But I’m on the challenge for lunch today.  Back on track and focused!  I have my lunch here with me at work.  I have plans in place for both dinner tonight and breakfast in the morning so I’m set for at least another day or so!  Project Healthier Me recommence!

*~*~*~*~*~*~

I just realized I never updated on Bean.  If anyone’s following…it’s dead in the water.  But that’s a good thing because I already have my life together.  I don’t need someone to come along and mess that up, nor do I need a fixer-upper project.  My house serves that purpose just fine, thank you.

So it’s amazing what you learn about people and how different they can be from the first impression to reality.  It brought to mind a very true quote I’d read of Maya Angelou’s.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I don’t just make excuses.  I make excuses for them when they don’t even want one!  Like the guy’s practically screaming, ‘Hey, I’m just an ass!’  And then I say, ‘Oh no, you had a bad childhood and you’ve built up walls around your wee little heart….I’ve just gotta jump a little higher and I’ll be able to get over them!!’  Idiot.  I’ve gotta stop giving them excuses.

Not sad about it at all.  Really, I’m not.  The warning signs have been posted along the way so I wasn’t blindsided.  And besides, I know my guy’s coming at some point.  And he’s gonna be the bestest!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

~ Stronger, Sara Evans

 Can I be honest with you for a minute?  This morning….this morning I was weak.  For the first time in a long time I thought about Playboy calling me in the mornings on his way to work.  But I didn’t just think about it, I actually teared up and because I was at work, I had to fight the urge to just put my head down and cry. 

I don’t know why the thought even occurred to me this morning.  It’s been over 7 or 8 months since the last time he ever called me like that. 

I’ve been kind of sentimental lately though.  The other day I was thinking how badly I wanted to be kissed by someone who loves me again.  Or maybe kiss someone I love.  How it’s so different from any other kiss. 

I wondered this morning about his weak moments.  I have these random moments where I feel that knife stab me in the heart one more time, or the times when I feel like I miss him so much I could reach my hand out and touch him.  Of course I then question if he ever has those.  I don’t want to be the only one.

But this morning I realized his weak moments were probably in the beginning when starting a ‘relationship’ with me.  That’s when he seemed to struggle.  Once he finally did turn his back to leave he didn’t seem to have any trouble walking away.  So his weak moments are probably over and done.  Good for him.

I’ll get there.  One day my guy’s going to come.  He’ll show up and make me forget about all the other guys from my past.  All the other hurts and disappointments.  Playboy will be nothing but a distant memory.  A story to tell.

So sure, today may be one of my weakest days, but damnit, I’m getting a little bit stronger.

I am one hateful trick.

Don’t be messing with me in Dream World.  I’m just sayin’.  Friday night I fell asleep on my friend’s couch watching movies and I was dreaming right before I woke up. 

In my dream my friend was in a wheelchair either paralyzed or with no legs and much the same as Awake World, we were watching a movie and she was texting the whole night.  In Dream World her boyfriend walked into her house in pajamas and I realized she was trying to get me to leave because of him.  I was pissed.  P.I.S.S.E.D.  That’s just girl code.  You don’t do it.  So I got up to leave and walked over to her, turned her wheelchair on it’s back where her feet were in the air (quite gently, might I add) and said to her, ‘How you gonna get up now, you stupid bitch?’ and then woke up. 

Hardcore.  That’s what I am.

Me and being awoken from slumber don’t really get along all that well to begin with  (trust me, my friends have legendary stories to share) and when you add onto that me being Dream pissed, it’s just not pretty.  I knew it was just a dream but logic doesn’t really enter into my reality until I’ve been awake a good 28.46 minutes at the least.  So I stormed out of my friend’s house slamming the door behind me. 

Epically hardcore. 

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So Bean….he’s been texting me some.  I’ve seen him twice since my last post.  This is what I’ve determined about myself…..I don’t know that I could suck more at dating.  Or interacting with men period.  The whole world just confounds me and stresses me out like no other.

You know those women who have guys chasing after them in all their unaffected aloofness?  Not me.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t know what to do.  Ever.  Do I text, do I not?  Do I believe him, is he lying?  Should I stay, should I go?  And then there’s the whole issue of what you expect from someone you are not in a relationship with.  This isn’t just with Bean, it’s with any guy.  But I’m telling you, at times it drives me to the point of just wanting to quit.  If I wasn’t so darn stubborn I probably would’ve already given up on men altogether.  I just don’t do it well.

Twice this week I was on the verge of writing him off altogether.  Once because I was just freaking out and thought it best to revert to my old tactic of running and sticking my head in the dirt which always seems logical, and then this weekend because he knew I was hanging out with his mom Saturday night and Sunday (we’re friends from way back) but didn’t bother to show up until late Sunday.

I decide to write him off about mid-afternoon but then there he is all tall and lanky with that cute smile.  At first I’m a tough chick, in my mind my head is doing all kinds of rolling with finger snapping, and I am unfailing in my ability to ignore his very existence…but then he goes and starts talking to me.  Crap.  I lasted about 12 minutes.

I’d decided I would be aloof but not rude because he shouldn’t know it bothered me.  Unfortunately I learned yesterday that my ‘aloof with a side of nice’ facade is not quite as Jason Bourne as the rest of me and therefore embarrassingly easy to penetrate.  But he’s acting like he did nothing wrong..said he played baseball all day (he’s on some local team) and then I’m questioning myself.  Did he do something wrong?  Should I have expected him here?

Needless to say my whole diabolical plan of aloofness was flushed down the toilet and I was giggling like a school girl again within an hour.  On the plus side, he did stick around to “watch movies” until time to go.  And if it’s any consolation, I was pretty darn awesome and charming even if I wasn’t twirling my head and being all badass.  

Leaving I felt like overall I’d handled things pretty well.  So I guess we’ll see what happens.  The saga continues….