Stop.

I want so badly to give up the desire.  To end the craving.  I wish I could stomp the hope out like I could a dying fire.  When it hurts like this I want nothing more.  But I know, just like every other time, in a few days the hurt will start to fade.  I will forget how each one of these tears burn as they fall down my face.  I won’t remember the utter emptiness I feel, the depths of alone.  The despair when that hope dies, when the barren solitude returns.  These scars will be healing.  The bruises faded.

In a certain amount of time I will see someone else.  They will see me.  Hope will return.  We’ll talk and I’ll be funny and sarcastic.  He’ll eat it up like I’m his best discovery since his iPhone 4S.  There will be an attraction.  We’ll spend some time together.  At some point he will do something and I will feel the change.  It’s when I realize I care.

It won’t be too long after that when it will happen again.  I don’t know what it will be this time.  Maybe it’s some epiphany he will have.  Maybe it’s some other girl he spies.  Maybe it’s the direction of the wind that day.  Whatever brings it, it will come and I will feel that too, like a shift in Earth’s axis.  It’s when the control changes and suddenly he’s not as ‘there’ as he once was.  It’s not 50/50 anymore.  This is the point when I should stop, cut my losses, and head in the other direction but I won’t.  I will cling to his dying affection as if it’s my lifeblood.

He’ll become a little more distant, I will begin taking the burden on myself.  I will find a reason in my own mind for his behavior and so the battle will begin.  Battles are where I’ve spent most of my life.  So much so that it seems perfectly normal to me.  Expected.  I’m comfortable here.  It’s what I know.

Of course no one is going to love me for free.  I will have to fight for it.  So I bring out that battle-worn armor and I start preparing.  ‘This one I’m going to win,’ I tell myself even though I know in the back of my mind I won’t.  I know how this story goes.  It’s as familiar to me as the battle I’m about to fight.  But I won’t stop.  I can’t.  I don’t know how.  This is all I know.  If I stop they will leave and it’s just me again.

2011 “Non-Resolution” Resolutions Review

This, by the way, is not what I was planning on blogging about today, but I remembered back in January I did a little resolution list (all while claiming I wasn’t a ‘resolution kinda girl’) and thought I might take a look-see and judge my 2011 performance.  Here goes!

#1 – Less procrastination.  HAAAAAAAAHAAAA har dee har har.  Yeah right.

Resolutions 1 – Crystal 0

#2 – Write more.  Well, I think this one I did accomplish.  I wrote more, though not as much as I’d like.  I received a 2011 ‘Year in Blogging’ email this morning and it says I posted 46 times last year.  Out of 365…that sounds HORRIBLE.  But out of 52 (weeks) I guess I didn’t do so bad.

It’s a tie game, folks!  Resolutions 1 – Crystal 1

#3 – Draw more readers to this blog.  Um…I’m going to strike this one as a wash.  My whole idea on this was to ‘advertise’ my blog more which gets a big, fat ZERO.  But I did start using tags more which brought in a little more search traffic.  Ok, I’m stretching here but it’s my party, I’ll stretch if I want to.

Still a tie….

#4 – Make updates on house.  AAANNNNKKKKK!  Did. Not. Happen.  Not even a little bit.

Resolutions 2 – Crystal 1

#5 – Travel.  Surprisingly another no for me.  This one I was pretty sure I’d accomplish just because I love it so.  But nope, I gots nothing.

Resolutions 3 – Crystal 1

#6 – Lower debt.  This is a giant affirmative!  I paid off my car this year, and I also paid off one credit card.  Only one credit card left and I am free of debt – outside of my mortgage.  Yay!  I forgot about that!  If there’s a resolution to have been done, this is the one!  (Secretly I want to give myself two points on this, but that’s only because I want to win so I’ll refrain.)

Resolutions 3 – Crystal 2

#7 – Work on relationships.  I think I can say this is an overall yes!  I feel like my relationships with everyone I listed – God, friends, family – has improved.  It’s always a good idea to work for improvement here so I wouldn’t say it’s complete, but it’s all definitely better.

The final tally…..Resolutions 3 – Crystal 3

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2012 has already begun so I guess it’s about time to start making a new list!  (Obviously that whole ‘less procrastination’ thing is going marvelously!)  What to do…what to do…

1.  Put up a Christmas tree next year!  This is number 1 because I am SO mad at myself for procrastinating like I did this year.  I’d decided I wanted to decorate my tree with all handmade ornaments but of course I never made them.  I’m talking a two-foot table tree here, not some 7.5′ mega tree.  How pathetic!  On Christmas Eve I finally pulled out a decorative lighted tree thing just to say I did something.  Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2.  Write even more.  Ok, to be more specific than I was last year…my goal is to increase that 46.  How about double it?  At least 92 posts in 2012.  No more two month hiatuses for me!  I’d also like to write for myself but that’s more of a writers block kind of thing and I want this point next year!

3.  Eat less fast food.  This one is like my Achilles Heel.  It’s so easy for me – being a single female with no children – to just run by some fast food joint on my way home and Bam!  There’s dinner!  Eat my burger and fries, throw away the trash and Poof!  No dishes!

Did I mention it was easy?  But really, it’s a startlingly unhealthy habit and besides, I want to become a better cook anyway.  I gotta cut it out.

4.  Stop the negativity.  I don’t believe that whole thing about you can think things into existence or that “the universe” brings you what you believe.  However, I do believe your thoughts and your expectations can influence the way you act, the way you respond, and ultimately the things that happen to you.  My inner voice?  That wench is in for an overhaul in 2012 – and a major one!

5.  Travel.  This year I don’t care if I have anyone to go with me or not.  I’m. Going. Somewhere.

6.  Lower debt even more.  My goal for this year is to cut that last credit card of mine at least in half.

7.  Get crafty!  So with the help of Pinterest I’ve gotten all kinds of crafty lately.  (Haven’t we all?)  I made 4 gifts for different people this year and I’m currently trying to teach myself to knit.  My goal for 2012 is make more stuff!  Get good at it!

Well, I cut off 2011 resolutions at the strangely random #7 so why switch it up this year?  There’s my new 7 for 2012.  Let’s get this party started!

Picture Time!

The thing with a cat is that it seems, no matter what mood you are in at the moment, HE miraculously turns out to be feeling the exact opposite.  Last week Tex learned this lesson the hard way as he came in from outside determined to get a little nap in, but alas, Oliver had other plans….

The poor guy!  This is exactly why Oliver is not allowed in the room when I’m sleeping.  I have a co-worker who likes to talk about what good cuddle buddies cats are.  Pshaw, I say!!!   Pshaw!!  It takes one time for you to be awoken from a deep slumber as your hand is accosted during the latest wild cat attack.  I’m telling you…cuddle buddy nothing.  More like field goal practice!

Tex has the doggie patience of Job, I’ve decided.  He let this nonsense go on for probably a good hour off and on before he  half-heartedly gave in and started playing back.

It’s the most precious thing to me, to see this giant dog playing so gently with the insane little kitten.  Occasionally he will forget and rough Oliver up a little bit, but he really is amazingly gentle and loving with him.  All the playing is great, but even better…

Nap time!!  Awww!!!  They really do love each other!

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Being a first time cat owner and learning The Ways of The Cat continually entertains me.  Honestly, cats are insane.  At least my cat is.  I feel pretty certain if there were such a thing, I could have him committed to the kitty crazy farm.  For Christmas Oliver got a little feather wand, among other things.  People, this is my own private home comedy show.  There is no limit to what he will do to “kill” his feather toy.  I’m still working on catching some of the best aerobatics he performs daily, but here are a few of my current favs.

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And finally, Alabama weather never makes much sense to me.  Fortunately that meant yesterday – the first day of the year – was a nice, breezy 61 degrees outside and it was gorgeous!  Perfect weather to get outside and enjoy!

Kite flying time!!

What an outstanding way to bring in the new year!  Hello 2012!