Some things I don’t understand about Facebook.

As most of the modern world does, I find myself on that mecca of social interaction we all know as Facebook on a daily basis.  Did I say daily?  I meant practically hourly….on a really boring day, it may be more.

Alas, spending all this time on the site I consider myself to be some level of pro.  There’s gotta be some kind of reward, right?  I mean besides knowing what all your closest – and most distant – friends are doing at all times of the day.

I think we can all agree that as Facebook popularity increases we have noticed the change.  We’ve all seen an influx of *those* people.  You know who I’m talking about.  The ‘not so cool’ people….the internet-illiterate….the posers.

Just as I am sure you have a few on your friends list, I too suffer at their hands.  Well, there are a few things that I see some of these ‘special’ friends do that really leave me baffled.  To the point that I feel like maybe a Facebook Instructional How-To book might be of good use.  Or desperately needed, whichever.

I’m sure the fine employees of Facebook are already on top of such a thing as this so I’m just going to list a few things that need to be addressed, in the off chance they’ve been overlooked by said employees.


1)  Chain letters

I think it was back in 5th grade – the day I received my last chain letter. That would’ve put me around 10 years old.

Back in those days they were handwritten.  Can you imagine?  You think your grandpa’s story of walking miles through snow and muck shoeless to get to school was bad???  Try writing 10 page-long letters to your closest buddies.  There were no copiers back in my day, you bunch of PANSIES!!!  Our hands fell off at the wrist by letter #8.  And don’t even think of not finishing!  Are you kidding me?!?!  Do you want the ghost of 2nd Grade Hall Bathroom to come find you?!? For shame!!!

After fighting my way through all that childhood trauma, you can possibly imagine why it makes my now 33-year-old eyelid twitch to see statuses such as:

Fri(END), Boyfri(END), Girlfri(END), Bestfri(END). Everything has an END except…Fam(ILY)! It Has 3 Letters that says I LOVE YOU.
If you love your Family, post this as your status


Ok, I’m confused.  So all my friends are ending and my family are the only people I love?  Are they ending life?  What’s happening here?  If I post the status can my friends just stay?  I kinda like them.

Or how about:

May I ask a personal favor…. only some of you will do it,and I know who you are, if you know someone who fought cancer and died,or someone who is still fighting…please add this to your status for 1 hour as a mark of respect and remembrance, I hope I was right about the people who will–thank you!


Well obviously if I don’t post it on my status for all the world to see I’m a heartless little worm.  Thank you.

Show of hands.  Who around here realizes we’re not 10 years old anymore?  Newsflash:  The 2nd Grade Hall Bathroom ghost isn’t around to come get you these days.

I mean, can we just stop the madness???  Please?!?!  How’s about….if you love your friends and/or family, you spend the time posting a note saying so on their wall instead of posting this inane status that does nothing but waste my time?  Or if you know someone who fought cancer, why don’t you go sign up for a marathon or donate some money?  We’re adults now, people.


2) Shout-outs to the dead

I thought I had concurred the hardest part of losing u, then it has hit me the easy part was letting u go to be n heaven the hard part is knowing I have to pick up the pieces, be strong and face the days were I’m not able to run to u and hide…… I will b strong and push ahead with the wonderful thought of knowing one day I will see u, Cousin Curly & Uncle Moe again that will b my inner strength 🙂


(Names changed to protect the innocent.)

First off, I gotta point out that in your grief you used the word ‘concur’ incorrectly.  Sorry.  It’s just my nature.

So….yeah.  I know you’re hurting.  I know you miss the person who is gone.  It’s sad and I really do feel for you.  However, I can assure you the person you’re talking to is not spending their days now reading your Facebook statuses to get your shout-outs.

This is the thing.  If you’re missing someone and you just want people to know it, then put something to that effect as your status.  ‘Hey, I’m really missing my Aunt Myrtle today.  I saw a possum and I remember that good ol’ stew she used to make….’

Whatever.  We’ll get the point.  You miss your aunt.  I just don’t understand writing a letter to the person who is gone and will not be reading it, then posting it as your status on Facebook.  Why?  Is it drama or do you seriously think Comcast has installed some supernatural high-speed internet line to the other side?  For future reference, the last time I checked they didn’t service that area.


3)  Drama

i hope you know honey,i can turn into a crazy ex girlfriend if you keep on…



the ppl that call themselves your “friend” then never talk to you are not a very good friend..i need to clean my friends list out..on the other hand..everyone have a safe day:) off to work i go till 12:)


Or what about…

if anyone sees that me and earlie broke up again. It was his doings this time..he took stuff outta hand and i aint dealin with no guy mistreatin me. So thats over for good..


And finally…

So and So went from being “in a relationship” to “single.”


Yes, those are all actual statuses.  Statuses that I’ve had to waste my time reading because one of my ‘friends’ thought it was worth posting for everyone she knows to see.

How annoying can you be?!?

Why do some people insist upon living their entire lives on Facebook like some kind of Shakespeare tragedy up on a stage?

Lots of people have allergies, right?  Well, mine is drama.  It breaks me out in hives.  Or at least I wish it did to give me an excuse to get away from the people causing it.

Seriously, I don’t care.  If you and the boyfriend are making up and breaking up every other day, I don’t need to know.  Whatever wall you are choosing to repeatedly bash your head into, I promise I don’t want to know.  I couldn’t care less.


4) Prayer statuses

Oh. My. Holy. Cow. Bells.  Seriously, people.

Heavenly Father, walk through my house, and take away all my worries and any illnesses, depression & sadness, and please watch over and heal my family and friends. Bring quiet where there is chaos, bring light where there is darkness and put love in our hearts. In Jesus’ name, Amen.


That’s a copied status.  Here’s a freestyle:

ok lord u open the door to this job for me.i no not to doubt u but i must say today is one of those days.their is this one lady that i work with that is just tryin to make me go off and today she is real close.she is only a floor worker like me but she thinks she owns this place so since u put me here i need ur help to keep my temper under control qand my mouth SHUT.and i ask this in ur name AMEN…..


Let’s make this quick and painless, shall we?  Ahem.  Here goes.

Jesus is not on Facebook.  *gasp*

Breaking News:  Posting your prayer as your status is not going to get it to God any sooner.  It’s not going to make it seem any more important.  It’s not going to make it any more visible in the sea of other prayers.

Much like #2, I do not understand why people think this is something to do.  Are you having a hard time and want your friends to pray for you?  Is this something I should find funny?  I don’t really know what to do with this.

Sometimes it’s ok to keep things old school.  Don’t make this harder than it has to be, ok?  Just bow your head – or not – and talk to God.  It’s that simple.


5)  Songs

This one has just been brought to my attention recently.  I apparently have a few friends who wanted to be Radio/Video DJs when they grew up and didn’t quite make it to the station.  Unfortunately for all of their friends (me included) they have moved their passion to the Facebook stage.  This means I now am forced to wade through link after link of random songs that I suppose relate to whatever mood they are in at the moment.

For the love of all that is holy.  Calm. Down. People.

If you hear a song you like, or maybe remember a song dear to you by all means, share it.  However, notice the use of the word ‘it’.  That signifies ‘one’ or a singular object.  Spare me your entire iPod playlist.


6)  Games

Directly related to item #5 are the gaming friends.

So and so needs a hat.

So and so needs some tree bark.

This one over here needs a giant jug of milk.

What they all need is my foot up their rear.

Let me preface by saying, I myself play games on Facebook so I do understand why you’re posting all this nonsense.  I do it too.

HOWEVER…..I am a respectful game player.  First off, I only post my game posts to my friends who play those games.  Not to everyone who views my wall.

Secondly – and this is very important – I use some self-control.  Never will my game friends open their news feed to 38 posts in a row of stuff I need.  Seriously, who wants to look at all that?

Make some priorities.  Post a few things, get those done, then start on some more.  It all doesn’t have to be done at once.  It’s a Facebook game, not the end of world hunger.