Road Rage Central

So um, yesterday I’m pretty sure I made some BMW driver pee their pants.  Completely unintentionally, of course!  I don’t know what kind of fool crazy came out of me, but I almost scared the pee out of me too.

I’m driving down a ramp about to merge onto the highway and I see this moron driving in that lane staying right beside my car where I can’t get over.  There are two other lanes beside them that are completely empty, but this sorry sack isn’t letting me merge.  I lose my shiz.

I am suddenly auditioning for the lead role in Exorcist as I twist my head around, hair flying and all.

I scream through my window as I point menacingly, ‘MOVE!  OVER!  NOW!!!‘ 

Whoever it is immediately hits their brakes and I am able to get over.  Let me tell you, they stayed soooooo far away from my car after that you would’ve thought I had dynamite about to detonate on the hood.   

I don’t know what has happened lately but honestly, the drivers in my town are on a mission to drive me mentally insane.  I’ve given it a lot of thought and determined it’s definitely a conspiracy.  

This is me in a nut shell…I’m a fast driver, I’m an agressive driver, but I’m a good driver.  Just get out of my way and you and I….we’re gonna get along just fine. 

Unfortunately, the drivers I am surrounded by on a regular basis have not received their memos and it makes me want to make an extra $30K or so a year.  Not for a bigger house or a better car.  For the sole reason to pay someone to drive me around everywhere in order to regulate my blood pressure.  For realz.  I’ve been asking Jesus for the pay raise as my Christmas present. 

Dear Jesus…These people are making me use dirty words.  I’m borderline homicidal.  Side note:  Why must you make people so incompetent?!?  Anyway, can I please have a personal driver for Christmas?  Amen.

I feel hopeful.

I love driving.  Love, love, love it.  I drive and I do concerts in my car.  It’s my thing.  But lately instead of a concert, I only spend my time wishing for bullhorns, sirens, and a car with a bazooka mounted on the top so I can push a button and obliterate the idiot drivers in my city. 

It would take some dedication as these beings are a prolific bunch.  But given enough time, I feel confident I could eradicate the problem.

I’m tempted to create my own driving manual to pass out at the local DMV in my free time.

1)   The left lane is the FAST LANE.  If you are out “Sunday driving”, far right lane.  Now!  If you are someone who sets your cruise 1 to 5 MPH over the speed limit, you are not going fast.  In fact, you’re barely making the grade.  Far right lane.  Now!  If you have anything attached to the back of your vehicle….any amount of junk piled in the back of your pick-up truck….and any of this requires you to drive below the speed limit, far right lane.  Now!  (And honestly, I should be banishing you to the shoulder, but I’m being generous.)  Basically if you are in the fast lane and a car behind you has to slow down because you suck at life, you fail.

2)  Use of blinkers will not cause your vehicle to spontaneously combust.  They are your friend.  Also noteworthy, by definition blinkers are indicators, which means they should be used prior to the actual turn indicating your intent to get out of my way.  If you begin indicating when half your car has already completed the turn, you are pointless and you fail. 

3)  If you need to change lanes, please use the time before doing so to assess your driving situation.  If for instance, you are at a dead stop and you see a car coming in that lane at regular driving speed….maybe you should wait until that person passes to move over.  If you know that you drive the same speed as the Amish in their horse-drawn buggies and there is anyone coming up in the lane you are wanting to move into…maybe you should wait until that person passes.  If you forget to assess and this results in my having to slam my brakes to avoid entering the back seat of your vehicle, you fail.

4)  Just because you can pull out into a lane hitting zero to 60 in .4 seconds, if after doing so you slow down to 10 miles below the speed limit it negates any good you might’ve previously done and therefore, you fail.

5)  On a one lane road, if you have no intentions of passing the person in front of you, do not proceed to ride their bumper.  No one wants to ride your train.  We are not playing Choo Choo.  You are preventing anyone behind you who actually has the gonads to use their gas pedal to pass and subsequently, you fail.

6)  Along that same line, if a person passes you it is not a personal affront to your character.  It simply means you enjoy a slower pace than the person who passed you.  Simple as that.  Turning your lights on bright for “revenge” or to show your displeasure makes you an idiot.  I won’t even be close enough to see them in just a second.  Guess what….you fail.

These rules are to be implemented immediately.  The complete unabridged version will be mailed to your home within 5 to 7 business days.  Failure to follow these simple, common sense rules will result in you being obliterated by my new Bazooka-mobile.  Thank you for your attention.