Finally I’m free

That bullet right there?  Yep, that’s the one I just dodged.

See here for my emo-tastic post from last week if you need to catch up.

So Friday night I’m going out to eat with 12 of my buddies.  Standing in the restaurant awaiting our table, I get a text.  It’s Bean.

B: ‘Who is this’

I immediately want to throw my phone into the nearest wall because he knows exactly who he’s texting.  But I don’t.  Instead I answer his asinine question.

Me: ‘Crystal’  (Yep, that’s my real name.)

B: ‘Crystal’  (I didn’t realize texts came with echoes.)

Me: ‘Yes, Crystal’

B: ‘I just got a new phone.  Had to get names to number.’  (Because there’s no such thing as a sim card?  Or backup assistant?  Right.  I believe you.)

Despite the fact I am angry that he’s already lying to me, I decide to continue with the conversation curious as to where he might be headed.  Mind you, this is the first time I’ve heard from him since the last time we hooked up, and since I found out about the other girl.

Surprisingly enough he begins chatting like a normal human being.  I tell him what I’m doing, he tells me he’s about to do the same….that lasted about 30 minutes, mostly because of the time he took to respond.

Let me not mislead, I am spending this short amount of time hoping that he’s going to give me something….anything….that will make the past few weeks some kind of bad dream.  That will fix this where I can let him back in.  He doesn’t know this of course, but that’s what I’m doing.

30 minutes of normalcy is all there was, ladies and gents, before the real Bean came out.

He asked if I’d left my house yet.  When I told him yes and asked why, he responded that he wanted to know what I was wearing.  Seriously.

After ditching me for this other girl, not to mention the way he handled it, still not having addressed any of that with me, he wants to know what I’m wearing.

I told him it doesn’t matter anymore.

He asked me why.  (As if.)

I told him because he’s dating that other girl now.

He says ok and asks me an even more personal, sexual question.  All in the same text.

I respond, ‘I’m not doing this anymore.’

He says, ‘Ok that’s cool with me.’

I don’t respond again.  My first reaction is disappointment.  Yeah, it hurt.  He didn’t fix it like I’d hoped.  There was no resolution to be made.  That’s cool with him?  It’s that easy, huh?

But then I realize what really happened.

This other girl isn’t just astronomically better than me!  Because not two weeks after declaring her “someone special” he’s already texting me trying to step out in one way or another.  He’s the same Bean with her as he apparently was with me!  It wasn’t me!!!

And with that realization comes relief.  I’m glad that’s her problem and not mine anymore.

After dinner I go driving around with my girl power Destiny’s Child songs blasting, dancing and concerting all over town while I celebrate my ability to breathe freely once again.  I’m a survivor!!!

Then, speedbump.

On Saturday morning I’m heading for some canoeing with friends and I get a text.  Bean again.  This time he’s only asking directions (to a place in/around his town, which is not my town).  I give him the directions and he thanks me.  That’s the end of our conversation.

It’s not really the end though.  No, it didn’t ruin my day by a long shot.  I still went canoeing, I still had a blast with my fantastical friends.  He certainly did not ruin it but he was there, in the back of my mind all day long. And I’d so hoped for a thought-free canoe trip.  *sigh*

I wondered what the meaning of the text was.  Is he sad I ended things?  Does he want to come back?  Was his text some kind of subconscious signal that he doesn’t want it to be over?  He could’ve texted any of his other friends (especially those who actually live in that town) to give him directions.  He chose me.

So I’ll wrap things up for you.  First of all, I love my friends.  I had the best time canoeing and I don’t want it to come across like I moped around all day emo-ing over Bean.  I did not.

Secondly, I’m not upset over him like I was.  Friday night was still quite a release for me as I finally realize she’s not as special as he made her out to be.  And it has nothing to do with me.

Is there a part of me who wishes he would become the man I think he could be, realize what he missed in me, and come back a better man?  Wish that things had just gone bad last time, but that we could learn from it and get back where we were only better?  Absolutely there is, but I’m not holding my breath for that to happen.

The good thing that came out of all of this is that I no longer have to wonder about what made her special and not me.  Because she’s not any more special than I am.  Also, I stood up for myself.  I didn’t let him just worm his way back in like I normally would.  I shut it down.  Until he’s something worth spending my time on, I’m done (probably for good).

Hopefully the next time around, I’ll be a little smarter.  A little tougher.  For now, I’m free.

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