Heart don’t fail me now

You know what really puts a cramp in the whole “Live Life Well” plans?  Finding out the guy you like has been stringing you along for four or five months until he finds someone (he thinks is) better and subsequently dropping you like a bad habit.

Yeah.  So yesterday wasn’t my favorite day ever. 

This guy Bean, who I’ve spent the past few months making up excuses for, has moved on to someone else.  “Someone special” as he has referred to her on Facebook.  She’s someone special even though he and I shared time together a week and a half ago.

But I’m being petty right now. 

I’m writing on here because writing helps me find my center.  Because I woke up at 4 AM this morning and tossed and turned for an hour or more listing the reasons why he must’ve thought she was better than me, and then beating myself up over them.  And that’s not living life well.

I have a strong urge to spend this time listing all the ways he’s actually not good enough for me.  Believe me, I could really let loose and lay some stuff down for you right now.   I’m hurt and I’m angry and at the root of it all is this guy who doesn’t even deserve what he just threw away.  However, I don’t know how productive that is – knocking someone else down to make myself feel better – so I’ll move on.

It was definitely difficult yesterday to learn that he’d moved on.  To listen to his mother who called and read me this status on Facebook about someone special he was excited about spending time with and then have to tell her that no, it wasn’t me.  I’m not the special one.  Not a good feeling. 

I spent a lot of yesterday just reeling through this ocean of emotions.  Anger, sadness, loss, hopefulness, determination.  Jumping from one to another in a matter of seconds.

Talking to my best friend Meredith at one point, she was telling me she wished I would realize how valuable I am.  My response to her I almost didn’t give.  I ended up  telling her, ‘I don’t know how to be valuable.  I don’t know how to tell myself I’m good enough when someone else is telling me I’m not.”  When I realized what I was about to say it’s like the truth of it got stuck in my throat for a second.  What a sad truth to have.

Somewhere in the spanse of my less than favorite day yesterday, I realized that this was actually necessary.  He had to leave the picture because I needed to let go.  Let go of him, let go of the cell phone I’ve been tethered to for a few weeks now, and let go of the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been riding.  I had this strong feeling that he is a distraction and right now I have other things to focus on – namely myself.  Painful as it is, I have to pick up and move on.

So I focus back on my original goal of improving me.  In beginning to live my life once again, I have made a few small changes already.  First I went and got the pedicure I’d been putting off for a few weeks waiting for someone else to go with me.  Secondly, I got my hair done yesterday and it’s looking all kinds of fab.  There’s nothing like getting all prettied up, is there?

Most importantly though, today is day 11 of me cutting out fast food completely.  This comes from someone who ate fast food once or twice a day instead of cooking for myself.  Day 11 of no fast food and though it wasn’t planned, I also cut out soda pops.  I’ve only had one since I stopped eating the fast food.

Another benefit of not eating fast food…..MONEY!!  I’d somehow convinced myself that picking up fast food for one person was much cheaper than buying groceries and cooking things.  Dude.  I couldn’t have been more off base.  With the money I saved in the past 11 days alone I was able to get my oil changed, buy a swimsuit, cover half the gas for a day trip to the beach, PLUS all the groceries I needed to last me.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I’m about to be RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve decided I might plan a trip to D.C. for this year.  A solo trip to explore the Smithsonian museums.  I’m also about to start planning a trip to Italy that will happen next year.  And when hockey season rolls around, I’m going to find a game and go.  Whether I have someone to go with me or not.

I’m still reading Eat, Pray, Love which is opening my mind with ideas and thoughts about my own experiences as well as things I might look into as ways of improving myself.

I hope at some point during all of this progress I find my sense of self-worth. 

It’s ironic how things seem to happen as you start some type of growth as if there’s something out there determined to knock you off track or take you out at the knees.  I guess that’s how I know I’m on the right path.  I got a little tripped up on this speed bump, but I’m not going to let this stop me.  I never have before.

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