Soul Searching

Not what I’ll be doing next week or next month.  The serious stuff.  The life stuff.

I suppose I’ve been heading for this point for a while now.  Playing around with it in my head a little bit.  But I watched Eat, Pray, Love over the weekend and while I’d heard from several people about how boring it was, that movie spoke to me like it was my mama.

The first part of the trip when she talks to the Balinese Shaman about a relationship….you think that’s not me?  Oh, it’s me.  If God himself walked in my door right now would I ask him how to obtain world peace?  Or how to end hunger?  Would I ask about the meaning of life?  About my purpose?  No.  If God walked in right now I’d sigh really big and I’d say, ‘Oh, God.  Right on time.  Look, Bean’s not texting me.  What does it all mean?!?!!?!?  What should I do?!?!?!?’  But He knows that and that’s probably why I don’t hear a lot from him.  I’d avoid me too.

I’m going to be completely honest for a minute and make myself look like a pathetic moron.  (There’s a first time for everything, right?  ha!)  I’ve thought about this a good bit lately and I realize that I am wasting my life waiting on a man to show up.  I just exist, really.

I wake up and go to work at a job I hate because I have bills to pay.  I leave work and come home to a house I don’t appreciate because I won’t save up the money to renovate it like I want. And then I sit there watching tv, playing on the internet, cleaning here and there, watering the plants…..and you know what I also do?  I think.  The entire time.  About him – whoever he may be.  From the time I wake to the time I fall asleep I think about the fact that I’m single or something relating to that.  If there’s a guy around I think about how well things are going, or how bad depending on the day.  If there’s no guy I imagine one there.  Because I’m waiting for him.

He’s gonna make me complete where I didn’t.  He’ll stay around and try where my dad didn’t.  He’ll think I’m good enough where my mom didn’t.  He’ll be my family where my family wasn’t.  I’ll suddenly be chipper and energetic and ebullient when he gets here.  I’ll finally be happy when he gets here.  I’ve just gotta reel him in.

My guy’s not even here yet and I’ve already got 1,000 lbs. ready to throw on his shoulders as soon as he walks through the door. Hope they’re strong enough, buddy!  Sink or swim!

I watched Eat, Pray, Love where she talks about having no passion.  That’s me.  I love travel, I love to write, I love nature, and I love to watch hockey.  I do nothing with any of those things except the occasional post on here.

I want to travel the world.  With him.

I want to write.  And I will….once everything else is in place – more specifically, him.

I like hiking and animals.  Can’t wait until he shows up with his hiking boots!

Hockey games are like home to me.  I bet he’ll take me to a game!

My moods are determined by what is going on with the man in my life.  Are things good?  I’m happy!  Yay!  There’s a rainbow!  Are things bad?  I’m down and frustrated.  The whole world is gray.

What am I doing?!?  I’ve been single since I was 18 years old and he hasn’t shown up yet.  Why on earth have I been sitting around waiting for some dude to walk into my life for 15 years now?

If he’s really the right guy he’s not going to be interested in some girl who sits around all day waiting for him to show up so she can live her life.  He’d be impressed by my independence, by my confidence.  He’d brag to his friends about how cool I am.  How laid back and chill, unclingy I am.  He’d love spending time with me because I’m bubbly and fun.  He’d want to join my life, not make it for me.

He hasn’t shown up yet because that’s not who I am right now.

Right now I’m a waiter.  I wait and I am sad.  I worry.  I’m negative.  I’m scared.  I cling.  I don’t live, I exist.  I dwell on the fact that he’s not here yet and oh how wah wah wah I am.  I hate who I am right now, because this chick ain’t me.  I’m freaking awesome.

An old friend sent me a friend request on Facebook the other day and we were emailing each other.  You know what I said in my email?  I told her nothing’s changed since high school, just 15 years older.  I didn’t tell her about me buying a house.  I didn’t tell her about my trip to England.  I didn’t tell her about my life because my life right now is “single” and that’s what I focus on.  It is what consumes me at all times.

So I’m making a promise.  To myself.  To God.  I am going to live.  I am going to try.  I am going to become me.  That awesome woman I really am.  I may not do it perfectly.  I may be a little wobbly in my new life, but I’m going to do more than exist.

I have a life to live.

One thought on “Soul Searching

  1. After reading this I wanted to stand up and shout Yay! and start clapping! I’m excited about your new life and seeing you pull out the REAL you! I love you!

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