Soul Searching

Not what I’ll be doing next week or next month.  The serious stuff.  The life stuff.

I suppose I’ve been heading for this point for a while now.  Playing around with it in my head a little bit.  But I watched Eat, Pray, Love over the weekend and while I’d heard from several people about how boring it was, that movie spoke to me like it was my mama.

The first part of the trip when she talks to the Balinese Shaman about a relationship….you think that’s not me?  Oh, it’s me.  If God himself walked in my door right now would I ask him how to obtain world peace?  Or how to end hunger?  Would I ask about the meaning of life?  About my purpose?  No.  If God walked in right now I’d sigh really big and I’d say, ‘Oh, God.  Right on time.  Look, Bean’s not texting me.  What does it all mean?!?!!?!?  What should I do?!?!?!?’  But He knows that and that’s probably why I don’t hear a lot from him.  I’d avoid me too.

I’m going to be completely honest for a minute and make myself look like a pathetic moron.  (There’s a first time for everything, right?  ha!)  I’ve thought about this a good bit lately and I realize that I am wasting my life waiting on a man to show up.  I just exist, really.

I wake up and go to work at a job I hate because I have bills to pay.  I leave work and come home to a house I don’t appreciate because I won’t save up the money to renovate it like I want. And then I sit there watching tv, playing on the internet, cleaning here and there, watering the plants…..and you know what I also do?  I think.  The entire time.  About him – whoever he may be.  From the time I wake to the time I fall asleep I think about the fact that I’m single or something relating to that.  If there’s a guy around I think about how well things are going, or how bad depending on the day.  If there’s no guy I imagine one there.  Because I’m waiting for him.

He’s gonna make me complete where I didn’t.  He’ll stay around and try where my dad didn’t.  He’ll think I’m good enough where my mom didn’t.  He’ll be my family where my family wasn’t.  I’ll suddenly be chipper and energetic and ebullient when he gets here.  I’ll finally be happy when he gets here.  I’ve just gotta reel him in.

My guy’s not even here yet and I’ve already got 1,000 lbs. ready to throw on his shoulders as soon as he walks through the door. Hope they’re strong enough, buddy!  Sink or swim!

I watched Eat, Pray, Love where she talks about having no passion.  That’s me.  I love travel, I love to write, I love nature, and I love to watch hockey.  I do nothing with any of those things except the occasional post on here.

I want to travel the world.  With him.

I want to write.  And I will….once everything else is in place – more specifically, him.

I like hiking and animals.  Can’t wait until he shows up with his hiking boots!

Hockey games are like home to me.  I bet he’ll take me to a game!

My moods are determined by what is going on with the man in my life.  Are things good?  I’m happy!  Yay!  There’s a rainbow!  Are things bad?  I’m down and frustrated.  The whole world is gray.

What am I doing?!?  I’ve been single since I was 18 years old and he hasn’t shown up yet.  Why on earth have I been sitting around waiting for some dude to walk into my life for 15 years now?

If he’s really the right guy he’s not going to be interested in some girl who sits around all day waiting for him to show up so she can live her life.  He’d be impressed by my independence, by my confidence.  He’d brag to his friends about how cool I am.  How laid back and chill, unclingy I am.  He’d love spending time with me because I’m bubbly and fun.  He’d want to join my life, not make it for me.

He hasn’t shown up yet because that’s not who I am right now.

Right now I’m a waiter.  I wait and I am sad.  I worry.  I’m negative.  I’m scared.  I cling.  I don’t live, I exist.  I dwell on the fact that he’s not here yet and oh how wah wah wah I am.  I hate who I am right now, because this chick ain’t me.  I’m freaking awesome.

An old friend sent me a friend request on Facebook the other day and we were emailing each other.  You know what I said in my email?  I told her nothing’s changed since high school, just 15 years older.  I didn’t tell her about me buying a house.  I didn’t tell her about my trip to England.  I didn’t tell her about my life because my life right now is “single” and that’s what I focus on.  It is what consumes me at all times.

So I’m making a promise.  To myself.  To God.  I am going to live.  I am going to try.  I am going to become me.  That awesome woman I really am.  I may not do it perfectly.  I may be a little wobbly in my new life, but I’m going to do more than exist.

I have a life to live.

Garden Update

It’s now been a month now and I finally have some blooms!!!  I am so excited!!!!  Here’s the update:

You can see things are filling in.  Not a lot of free space in there anymore!  This has become a bit of a problem for my watermelon on the right bottom corner there as they are beginning to run over the edges.  I’m not really sure what a good solution to that is.  I didn’t think about overflow when they were teeny tiny!

Also, I have put up a temporary trellis for two of my tomato plants as they were starting to fall over.  I cut down some bamboo/sugar cane growing in my back yard for the stakes.  I’m hoping to make something a little more substantial out of them soon.  Maybe like this:

A little less complicated, but you get the idea.

But let’s get to the blossoms!  Oh how I’ve waited to see you!!! 

It’s my first little tomato!!!!  I can’t even explain how utterly ecstatic I was to walk out to my garden this week and happen across this little fella right here!  Success!!

These are my orange bell pepper plants.  You can see the tiny blossoms that I’m hoping will turn into an actual pepper soon.

This is my single cucumber blossom.  I really can’t wait to have cucumbers.  My plan is to make some homemade pickles!  We have a restaurant nearby called Flip Burger and they have some amazing pickles they make in house.  Eating those I thought to myself, ‘I can do that!’  And so I’m gonna give it a try.

My beautiful little squash bloom.  With these I want to make sauteed squash with onions.  I can not wait.  My best friend’s mom made that the other day and it was so deeelicioso I couldn’t help but daydream about my own wee little plants and hope for the chance to make my own.  A few days later this little beauty arrived!

Those wild running watermelon vines I mentioned?  Here you go!  And they’re starting to bloom! 

I can’t tell you what a satisfying feeling it is to see all these wonderful blossoms popping out of the plants I’ve been watching for a month now.  Something about the idea that I’ve done this myself.  It’s awesome!

Alas, not everything is going as well as I would like.  I have two little problems I will be working to fix.  Problem number one:

Some little insect is eating my collards!!!!!!  Can you picture the smoke billowing out of my ears?  I’m trying to keep everything organic so I’ve been doing some research online for what I might use to get rid of these pests.  So far I haven’t found much help but hopefully there will be a breakthrough soon.

Problem number two:

My wee little cabbage sprouts are still wee little cabbage sprouts!  I had a few naysayers when I mentioned I’d planted cabbage seeds.  Apparently they’re a cooler weather crop and should have been planted much sooner than I began mine.  So they may or may not produce and I’m not experienced enough to know if they look normal or what.  Regardless, if this is my only failure, I am a happy little gardener!

I come by it honest.

I introduced everyone to my grandmother a few weeks ago.  Just last night I made another visit and so the story continues.

Hubby has made his return from rehab at the nursing home so we have a new character this time.  The dynamic of their relationship I may never understand. Regardless, it turns out to be pretty fantastic for those on the outside.

My grandmother is one of those women.  You can’t tell her anything.  Nothing.  That is not an exaggeration.  As a matter of fact if you try, she will immediately set off and do exactly the opposite just to be doing something.

‘Don’t spend your money on that.’  She buys two.

‘Don’t buy that car.  You won’t like it.  It’s too small.”  She buys that very car.  She never likes it but she also will never admit to it.

‘I think you should do it this way.’  You must’ve been talking to the table you’re standing beside because you certainly weren’t talking to her.

Poor Hubby.  Not only does he get that but it is also my grandmother’s sole joy in life to antagonize, tease, and just generally drive him insane.  It’s like she’s getting paid she enjoys it so much.

So last night I’m at my grandmother’s house.  I’ve been there about 30 minutes already before she brings this out:

It’s all newfangled and high tech with it’s handheld sprayer.  She’d seen a wasp fly by the window outside which prompted her to pull out the brand new bug spray she just bought to show us.

That quickly turns into her wondering how it works, which then turns into her needing to read the back of it to us.

“Says here it kills ants, fleas, centipedes, firebrats?  What’s a firebrat?  I guess they mean firebugs.  Silverfish, Ticks, Boxelder bugs?  Have you ever heard of a boxelder bug, hubby?”

“No.”

“Well it says it kills them.  Says here, ‘Remove all exposed food and cooking utensils.  Well, I’m not spraying this inside the house anyway.”

“No, we’re not spraying this in the house anywhere.”  (Hubby)

Back to reading.

30 seconds later.  “It says here ‘Do not spray in the air!’  Well where am I supposed to spray it then?!?”

“Just spray it in the bushes and around the back porch, I guess.”  (Hubby)

She then stops reading to tell me how she just bought a new bulb for her bug zapper and includes all the gory details of cleaning it out.  It’s still not working.

After that sidebar she focuses back on the bug spray packaging.  The sprayer has a hose that is wrapped up in plastic.

“I wonder what this is.”

“We’ll figure it out when it’s time to use it.  Just leave it alone.”  (Hubby)

“I’ll need to know how to work it before I need to use it, Hubby.”  As if Hubby had not spoken at all, she proceeds to try to open the plastic container.

A minute or two later.  “Well why won’t this thing just pop off?  I wonder why they make it so hard to open.”

“Joan, you don’t need to open it right now.  We’ll figure it all out later.  Just go put it up.”

Now struggling to pull apart the plastic.  Her voice is strained with the effort.  “You’d think it’d just pop off when you pull it.”

“It doesn’t need to be opened.”

“They got this little hole here where the hose comes out.  Well, that’s to my advantage.” She gets up to grab some scissors from the kitchen.  “We can just leave it right there next to the door when I put it together.”

“You’re not leaving it by the door.”

“And that way if I see something I need to kill it’ll be right there.  I can just reach over and grab it.”

“No hell you’re not leaving it by the door.”

She turns from the door and grins really big at me with a wink.  Because 92% of everything my grandmother says is for the sole purpose of ruffling Hubby’s feathers.

A minute later she’s back from the kitchen with the scissors cutting open the plastic.  “Ta daaaa!”  She holds up the hose in victory.

“Joan, just leave it like that.  Don’t open it and put that hose in it.”

“I’m just gonna put this hose in the bottle so it’ll be ready to go when I need it.”  And she proceeds to do just that.

With everything complete she now sits back to continue her reading on the back of the bottle.

“I’ll have to wear gloves when I use it.  The chemicals, you know.  Oh!  It says here it’s made in…..I’ll give you three guesses where it’s made, Hubby.”

“I don’t know.  Germany.”

“No.  Try again.”

“China.”

“Yes.  It says right here, Made in China.”  She turns to me, now completely serious.  “Everything’s made there now.  That’s who is stealing all the jobs from Americans.”  Drag in the soapbox.  “We need to get our jobs back or pretty soon we won’t have any left.  Start making stuff here again.  Did you hear about the crops?”

“No ma’am.”  (Me)

“With all this weather…you know most of the crops we eat comes from up north.  Well, with all this bad weather and flooding it’s killed most everything.  They say we’re gonna come up on a major shortage of crops this year and you know the prices are gonna shoot to the moon.  I told Hubby ‘cans’.  Carrots and green beans.  The next time I go to the grocery store I need to get at least 12 cans of stuff now before the prices go up.  Carrots, green beans, turnip greens.  You know.  It’s gonna get so high people can’t afford to buy food to eat!”

“Yes ma’am.”  (Me)

You just know watching them that it’s been that way the entire expanse of their marriage (which has to have begun before I was 12 or so).  The funniest part of the whole thing is that Hubby and his comments made absolutely no effect on my grandmother and what she was doing.  She didn’t miss a beat.  And it’s like Hubby already knows this, already expects the reaction, has given up the fight, but he’s still saying it just to get to use his voice some.

And what I realized as I was watching the back and forth…..that is sooo me.