Let me say this a little slower for you.

I’ve been getting phone calls from an 800- number for about a week now.  As it is my automatic reflex, I hit the answer button and immediately disconnect the call because a) these people are usually obnoxious which means I have nothing to say to them; and b) I can’t be bothered to automatically delete their voice mail instead.  So naturally it’s taken me a week to come to the realization that the number calling me is trying to collect a bill, and despite the knowledge that all my bills are up to date, it took me another day or so to connect the two and figure out that these bothersome phone calls aren’t even for me.

Yesterday my phone rings and shockingly enough I do  answer but instead of an actual person on the other end, it’s a recording telling me to call them which immediately catapults them into the top slot of my I-want-to-scratch-your-eyeballs-out-slowly list.

I write down the number and I phone them to listen to a recording that tells me their office hours ended 5 minutes prior – before they called me, catapulting them a bit higher into my After-your-eyeballs-are-removed-the-gonads-are-next list.

Today they called me again and I immediately called them back.  I finally navigated my way to a customer service rep and this was our conversation:

CSR:  ‘What’s your account number?’

Me:  ‘I don’t have one.  I’m getting phone calls from this company but I don’t have an account with you.’

CSR:  ‘Oh.  Well, I can’t look up accounts by phone number but what’s your phone number?’

*give him my number*

CSR:  ‘Hmmmm.  No, it’s not finding anything.’  (Naturally.  Since you can’t look up accounts by phone number!!!!)

Me:  ‘Right.  Ok well there’s got to be some way to figure it out.  I’m not going to get calls from this company forever.’

CSR:  ‘It’s got to be trying to contact someone but they have the wrong number in the system.’  (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Me:  ‘I’m sure.’

CSR:  ‘Well, I can’t find anything with the phone number.  They don’t give you any information when they call?’

Me:  ‘No.  It’s a recorded message telling me to call this number.’

CSR:  ‘Let me try looking it up under the business accounts.’

la dee dah dee dah

CSR:  ‘No, it’s not pulling anything up there either.  I’m going to need an account number or something.  They don’t give you any other information when they call?’

Me:  ‘It’s an automated message.  It only tells me the company’s name and asks me to call.’

CSR:  ‘I’m sorry, there’s no way for me to find the account they’re calling about.’

Me:  ‘This company is not going to continue to call me for no reason.  I don’t have an account with you.  You’re not going to keep calling me 3 times a day.’

CSR:  ‘I can’t find the account with the phone number.  There’s nothing I can do.’

Me:  ‘Is there a supervisor I can speak with?’

CSR:  ‘Yes, there’s a manager I can forward you to.’

Me:  ‘Can I speak to them please?  There has to be some way to stop this.’

CSR:  ‘Ok.  Let me put you on hold first and see if there’s anything else I can try before you talk to a manager.’

*insert elevator music here*

CSR:  ‘Ma’am?  I’m going to send an email to our call center and get them to remove the number from the system.’

*face palm*

Ok so despite the fact his IQ had to be hitting in the low 60’s max, he was a nice guy so I didn’t really fly into him like I could have, but seriously?!?!?!  I know at least 5 times I’m looking around my office in disbelief waiting for the Punk’d crew to round the corner.

For the longest he was so adamant there was no way to find my account and I keep telling him I’m not going to keep getting these bogus calls just because his company has an inept data program.  There’s no way.

Excitement over, we shall see if the calls actually do stop.

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