I am one hateful trick.

Don’t be messing with me in Dream World.  I’m just sayin’.  Friday night I fell asleep on my friend’s couch watching movies and I was dreaming right before I woke up. 

In my dream my friend was in a wheelchair either paralyzed or with no legs and much the same as Awake World, we were watching a movie and she was texting the whole night.  In Dream World her boyfriend walked into her house in pajamas and I realized she was trying to get me to leave because of him.  I was pissed.  P.I.S.S.E.D.  That’s just girl code.  You don’t do it.  So I got up to leave and walked over to her, turned her wheelchair on it’s back where her feet were in the air (quite gently, might I add) and said to her, ‘How you gonna get up now, you stupid bitch?’ and then woke up. 

Hardcore.  That’s what I am.

Me and being awoken from slumber don’t really get along all that well to begin with  (trust me, my friends have legendary stories to share) and when you add onto that me being Dream pissed, it’s just not pretty.  I knew it was just a dream but logic doesn’t really enter into my reality until I’ve been awake a good 28.46 minutes at the least.  So I stormed out of my friend’s house slamming the door behind me. 

Epically hardcore. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~

So Bean….he’s been texting me some.  I’ve seen him twice since my last post.  This is what I’ve determined about myself…..I don’t know that I could suck more at dating.  Or interacting with men period.  The whole world just confounds me and stresses me out like no other.

You know those women who have guys chasing after them in all their unaffected aloofness?  Not me.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t know what to do.  Ever.  Do I text, do I not?  Do I believe him, is he lying?  Should I stay, should I go?  And then there’s the whole issue of what you expect from someone you are not in a relationship with.  This isn’t just with Bean, it’s with any guy.  But I’m telling you, at times it drives me to the point of just wanting to quit.  If I wasn’t so darn stubborn I probably would’ve already given up on men altogether.  I just don’t do it well.

Twice this week I was on the verge of writing him off altogether.  Once because I was just freaking out and thought it best to revert to my old tactic of running and sticking my head in the dirt which always seems logical, and then this weekend because he knew I was hanging out with his mom Saturday night and Sunday (we’re friends from way back) but didn’t bother to show up until late Sunday.

I decide to write him off about mid-afternoon but then there he is all tall and lanky with that cute smile.  At first I’m a tough chick, in my mind my head is doing all kinds of rolling with finger snapping, and I am unfailing in my ability to ignore his very existence…but then he goes and starts talking to me.  Crap.  I lasted about 12 minutes.

I’d decided I would be aloof but not rude because he shouldn’t know it bothered me.  Unfortunately I learned yesterday that my ‘aloof with a side of nice’ facade is not quite as Jason Bourne as the rest of me and therefore embarrassingly easy to penetrate.  But he’s acting like he did nothing wrong..said he played baseball all day (he’s on some local team) and then I’m questioning myself.  Did he do something wrong?  Should I have expected him here?

Needless to say my whole diabolical plan of aloofness was flushed down the toilet and I was giggling like a school girl again within an hour.  On the plus side, he did stick around to “watch movies” until time to go.  And if it’s any consolation, I was pretty darn awesome and charming even if I wasn’t twirling my head and being all badass.  

Leaving I felt like overall I’d handled things pretty well.  So I guess we’ll see what happens.  The saga continues….

My Smile File

This morning at work one of my co-workers came into my office as he usually does to say hello.  A little while later he came in again.  ‘I’ve been thinking and you know, if I were 10 years younger and 20 lbs lighter, I’d be chasing after you.’

I respond, ‘No, if that were the case you’d be chasing someone better than me.’

So seriously he replies, ‘I’ve got 30 years experience in the military.  I’ve been everywhere and I’ve seen a lot.  I’d be chasing you.’

I don’t care if he was just being silly, that was hella awesome and it made my whole heart smile.  I’ve really needed something like that lately.  So I share with you.  Mark one for the smile file.

Detour?

Well, my high school-esque crush is having to take a detour at the moment.  Or a permanent vacation, whatever.  Turns out a new baby with another woman isn’t so conducive to starting a new relationship.  Go figure.

Anyway, he’s faded to the wayside and left me in limbo I guess.  I do completely understand it’s a difficult situation so I do not completely close the door on him.  Maybe later is all I can give it at this point.  If I’m still available.

In other news, I’ve ordered tarot cards.  I mention them here in a previous post.  I did my first reading and the condensed version is that I’m ready for the new chapter in my love life.  Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!!! 

A specific reading regarding the situation with that crush – Bean – showed what I assume to be the baby mama as what is holding us back right now.  I would assume that refers to his feelings for her.  But for the future it actually shows a pretty awesome outcome.  So we shall see I guess.

Anyway, disappointed but I’m glad it didn’t get more involved before the baby showed up.  This way it didn’t get ugly and you never know what may happen in the end.

If I Fall, Can You Let Me Down Easy

So I mentioned last week about this guy I met.  How giddy and daydream-y I was.  I felt like I was back in school writing my name with his on my notebooks.  Well, shocker!  It’s all still going pretty well!

I spent most of this past weekend with him (and some other people).  Things progressed and we exchanged numbers.  Since Sunday we’ve been texting back and forth twice a day. 

We had that ‘what is this’ conversation already and we’ve both agreed we’d like to pursue a relationship.  **jazz hands for awesomeness**  Of course, nothing official yet but it’s good to know something could potentially come of this.

I’m so skittish talking about it but I’m excited and happy.  It may all face plant, but for now I just want to enjoy the feeling.

The song in this post is one that seemed to be on a continuous loop this weekend and he would stop and sing it every time it came on the radio.  Not directly to me but it had that certain feel about it, like it was for me….directed at me maybe.  It would make my tummy do that little flippy thing.  I’m a silly girl, I know.

If I fall, can you let me down easy
If I leave my heart with you tonight
will you promise me you’re gonna treat it right
I’m barely hanging on
If I fall, can you let me down easy

~ Billy Currington

Three cheers for happy days!

And please say to me, you’ll let me hold your hand.

I don’t want to say too much yet, but I met a guy this weekend.  We spent an entire afternoon flirting like high schoolers and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since. 

I’m all kinds of unreasonably giddy.  I have that daydream-y glaze over my eyes and last night when I talked about him I got butterflies. 

I realize this could be nothing.  The fact that I haven’t had a high school “crush” on a guy in forever doesn’t mean much.  The fact that this isn’t my typical reaction doesn’t mean anything either.  It could all be squashed as quickly as it began. 

I can’t help that part of me that hopes this really is different though.  The part that tells me, no matter how many times it hasn’t been, there’s got to be one that is.  Maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for.  Maybe it’s finally my turn.

Yeah you got that something
I think you’ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand

Stupid Girl Syndrome

“So do diesel engines use the other oils gas cars do?  Like…oil?  And transmission fluid?”

Seriously.  I said those exact words yesterday.  **Palm. To. Forehead.**  I’m almost too embarrassed to write about this – admitting it to everyone.  Almost

I do not suffer from Stupid Girl Syndrome.  I do not.  The idea of dumbing myself down for a man to find me charmingly empty-headed makes me sick to my stomach.  I don’t know what happened to me yesterday!  Cute guy in my office and suddenly at least 5,623 of my brain cells play dead for a good 10 minutes.  Traitors!!!

He talks about lawn mowers and I tell him I killed three of them cutting my own grass.  And I giggle.  Like an idiot. 

He talks about gas vs. diesel engines and I say, ‘Oh!  That’s what spark plugs are for!’ 

Even as I watch my brain capacity dwindle down I am thinking to myself, ‘What?!?!  What are you saying?!?!?!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP NOW!!!’

I couldn’t stop.  I could. not. stop myself.  Finally towards the end of the conversation I attempted to salvage what little self-respect I had left by saying, ‘I’m sounding really dumb right now.  I’m not that dumb.  I just don’t know about this stuff.’

“This stuff”.  Like it’s so far beyond my simple little mind I can’t even come up with a word for it. 

**sigh**