I am Jason Bourne.

My friends are evil and therefore make fun of me for this.  They are haters and say it’s ridiculous.  I’m wondering though, does anyone else exhibit symptoms? 

What exactly is the Bourne affliction?  Well, let’s say you’re in an elevator one day minding your own business, maybe humming a little tune in your head, maybe sorting out the grocery list or the pile of bills awaiting you at home…the elevator stops and a person of – in your opinion – “questionable integrity” steps in.  Suddenly you’re barricaded inside a 4.5 x 6 foot (yes, I did look that up) steel box with an unsavory character. 

This would be the point where the Bourne affliction kicks in.  Is your mind on high alert?  Quickly taking in all of your surroundings, sizing up your opponent, making note of  possible weak points, creating mental lists of any potential weapons in the nearby vacinity, all the while trying to maintain a calm, unaffected fascade so that when you are attacked you will completely take the attacker by surprise with your amazing ninja skills and preparedness?  And by the time you’ve done all this do the elevator doors open and you exit unscathed, the character suddenly appearing much less “questionable” minus that feared attack?  Then oh yes, you are afflicted.

Just this week I’m at girls night with my buddies, in one’s home, and a few of us are rounding out our nights, saying our goodbyes.  One of the ladies opens the door to go outside and casually asks, ‘Whose car is this running out in the driveway?’  No one answers, most wrapped up in conversations.  I feel Bourne begin to wake up, senses are heightened but I’m playing it cool.  No need for action right now.

This friend continues outside and a minute later walks back into the house, ‘Seriously, whose car is this out in the driveway?’  I can see behind her a car running with its lights on.  My friend walks in the house and with my Bourne senses on high alert I realize she doesn’t shut the door all the way.  I immediately rush for the door to barricade the advancing attackers, my mind already two steps ahead developing an escape plan that includes scaling an 8 foot privacy fence and probably hiding out in the woods for a few days. 

Luckily the friend is out of my way because in the heat of battle sometimes you have to take action first and apologize later.  I am not above sidelining her into the wall in an effort to save us all.  Halfway to the door I hear another friend behind me say casually, ‘Oh, it’s mine.  I’m just letting it warm up.’   Crisis averted.

‘Oh’ I say quietly as I softly shut the door and turn back to my friends.

I don’t know when, why, or how exactly I became so ninja.  Nor do I know at what point I decided there was any need whatsoever to become one.  But one day, one day, I know my friends and I will be huddled around the little makeshift fire I built from dry moss, leaves, and pure grit, recanting the amazing job I did defeating the 4 or so big, burly men who just attacked us out of nowhere while looking surprisingly close to what Jason Bourne’s younger sister might look like. 

I will probably reveal a small smile but just a small one.  I am Jason Bourne after all, and Jason Bourne would never gloat.