Men Ruin Everything.

All I’m saying is, we have a perfectly good friendship going on.  Everything is fun.  We joke and laugh.  I enjoy sharing time with him.  Then I decide to add a benefit on the side and all of a sudden the only thing he can talk about is that!!!  This morning he walks in my office (and of course has to do the obligatory lean over my desk to see if he can get a peek down my shirt, because apparently after you get a benefit this behavior becomes acceptable somehow):

Me joking around: ‘Can you just go and take out (co-worker)?’
Him: ‘Why? What’d he do?’
Me: ‘He gets on my last damn nerve.’
Him: ‘You want me to take him out?  I’ll take him out.  From behind. (insert pelvic thrust here)  I’ll take him from behind this week.’
Me:  ???!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?  ‘You’re gonna do him from behind.  Seriously?’

There aren’t enough question marks and exclamation points left in my keyboard for how I felt when he did that.  What are you thinking, dude?!?!?  Do you think that is in any way sexy/attractive….in any way not ridiculous?!?!?! 

WHY for the love of all that is good in this world, can we not continue our friendship as it was before and just leave the benefits on the side?  I picked you because I enjoyed our friendship.  I just wanted an itch scratched on occasion.  The friendship was supposed to stay the same.  Instead, you go and ruin it.  Boo to you.

*~*~*~*~*~

It’s been a little over a month now since I last spoke with Playboy.  Not a month since he ended things….that was 3 months ago.  It took me a while to let it go.  That was hard for me to do.  Still is sometimes though sadly I’m getting a little better at it.  But a month ago I called him and we had an hour long conversation on his birthday.  It was fantastic in that we were back to happy.  Laughing and joking.  Teasing.  It was why I loved him.  He agreed that he missed me too.  He agreed it was nice talking to me too.  I just knew we were on our way back to each other.  But the next week when I called him back like we agreed, he didn’t answer.  And he didn’t call back. 

The initial disappointment was pretty difficult.  I just couldn’t understand….or didn’t want to is probably more accurate.  How could you not love me like I love you? 

 But anyway, I dreamed about him last night.  I hate when my dreams betray me so because it messes me up the next day.

We were chatting online except somehow it was through my calculator.  We started a conversation but then I kept getting busy and couldn’t stay by it.  He was chatting away about being unhappy where he is.  When I got back to the calculator and read that I responded he could leave and be with me instead.  (It’s a good thing I’m not at all pathetic.  *eye roll*)  He responded that he would but every time he tries to leave he just can’t do it.  He continued chatting but then I was racing (I don’t know either.) and I lost connection.  I wanted so badly to be able to stop what I was doing and talk to him but I had to finish the race.  I kept telling myself, ‘At the end of the race you can get the connection back and talk to him.’  Then I woke up.

He’s not having a hard time getting over me so I hate that I do.  I hate when I look at my phone on the occasional morning at work and the thought runs through my mind that he should be calling soon.  Oh that’s right…no, he won’t be.  I hate that his hometown is now so strongly associated with him – that the idea of visiting there at all without him makes me cringe now.  But most of all I hate when other guys make me long for him.  When I don’t connect with them like I did with him and the thought runs through my head that I may never connect with someone again like that.  When the sex doesn’t flow as easily, when their style doesn’t match mine, when I feel disgusting after it’s done and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who matches me in that area again.  And of course when I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let someone else in like I let him in. 

He doesn’t think about me like that and he doesn’t deserve me thinking about him like that.  He didn’t love me like that and he doesn’t deserve me loving him like that.  Stupid men with their stupid constant sexual innuendos, and stupid dreams about stupid men that don’t deserve them.  They ruin everything.

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