Unfettered.

Single.  adjective Bachelor, companionless, divorced, eligible, free, living alone, loner, separated, sole, solo, spouseless, unattached, unfettered, unmarried, unwed.

……This post didn’t start out anywhere near what I was thinking when I pulled the site up 30 seconds ago.  lol  ADD can truly be amazing sometimes.  So easily distracted.

So look, I looked up ‘single’ on thesaurus.com and the above listed words are synonyms.  My favorite of the bunch was ‘unfettered’ which prompted me to switch over to dictionary.com where I found fetter defined as ‘a chain or shackle placed on the feet’.  BWAHAHAHAhahahaha!!!! How fantastic is that?

Anyway, back to the original purpose of starting this post.  I had an epiphany today about me being in a relationship.  I have decided – just this morning – that maybe it’s better for me if I just stop looking for a relationship and only have friends with benefits instead.  Trust me, this is a genius revelation and I will explain why.

Over the span of this week….or maybe just this morning, I can’t remember….I have determined that I am pure rubbish when it comes to relationships.  I mean, if you can ruin a relationship before it even becomes a relationship (Holla!) then yeah, you can really be nothing but rubbish.

It makes perfect sense.  Really!  I’ll be honest with you…..I am damaged goods.  I have issues – most of which tend to be detrimental to relationships in general.

If an available guy is interested in me, breaking the sound barrier can’t get me away fast enough usually.  If he’s taken, I don’t run but I tend to develop feelings and as soon as that happens, I make a beeline for a giant wall to drive us into head first.

If it requires me actually opening up and trusting someone, or letting down my walls….I can sometimes do it, I did it for Playboy….but I don’t handle it well at all.  I am terrified and overcompensate.  I can’t just relax and enjoy what’s there.  I’m rubbish, I tell you!

So I’ve done some thinking….probably never a good idea….but I came up with this.  Look, I gave it the old college try.  I opened up, I let down my walls, and I let him in.  Playboy.  I allowed myself to fall for him and I gave ‘us’ all I had.  I worked on my issues, the things about me he didn’t like even when he had his own he refused to work on.  I showed and gave him love even when he didn’t give it back in return.  I built him up even if he was breaking me down.

I gave all of me.  Fully and completely.  Without reservation.  Yes, I had to fight my own fears.  No, I absolutely was not perfect. But I gave what I had to give.  Everything.

What I had wasn’t enough.  Because we’re still done.  He still left.

I jumped back into dating right after determined I wouldn’t quit like I did when I was 18 and I’m right back to the same catch and release stuff I was doing before.

I can’t stop myself from being scared.  I’ve been working for probably 8 or 9 years now so obviously I can’t fix myself either.  I’m just too damaged.  The upswings on these roller coasters are always exciting and happy and make me feel alive but the downswings take me down a little lower each time.  Pretty soon I’m gonna nose dive into the ground below.

So I think that I need to change my expectations.  Single life….being unfettered….isn’t all that bad.  I just have to stop fighting it.  Instead I need to embrace it and accept that it’s just the way my life is.

I’m not gonna have someone to come home to…someone to love and love me…not gonna fall asleep in someone’s arms…no hand to hold…no one to walk down the isle towards.  It’s not in the cards for me.

But you know….I won’t have anyone to answer to…no one else to consider when I make plans…no one to clean up after.

It’ll just be me.  Unfettered.

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