I need brain bleach, please.

I haven’t updated in two weeks now, not because nothing has happened, but because my mind has mutinied and is determined to slowly drive me insane.

Over the past two weeks there’s been some activity with all three guys I mentioned in my last post.  We’ve had a week of head smacks, a week of eye rolls, and now a week of roller coasters.

The guy who sent the duplicate email?  I’ll call him Dupe.  I responded with my contact info and he did text me.  We have had several ‘sessions’ of his text, my response, his text, my response, silence.  Frustrating?  Without a doubt.  And yet he apparently refuses to call and speak on the phone.  Probably needless to say but yeah, that got old pretty quickly.

The guy I chatted with on Messenger….I’ll call him Molasses because that’s about how quick he is doing stuff.  So after I wrote him off as gone, he hit me up on Messenger again and we chatted.  I think we ended up having another two or three conversations over a span of about a week.  This weekend he caught me online and Holy Hooker Heels, the man actually called my phone!  We talked for about 3 hours, mainly joking around and being silly.  It was nice.  But then he added me to his Facebook and I’m guessing the picture on his dating site profile is older….by about 4 or 5 years.  Or maybe it was a really good angle.  It’s not a deal breaker but I was somewhat put off by that.  We’ll see what happens though.  I haven’t written him off yet.

The old co-worker…ok well, I’ll just say it.  We’ve been hooking up.  Only twice but I know I’m not interested in anything more, so yeah it’s just a hook up.  Hey, a girl has needs.

So I’m about to be painfully honest here.  It’s not pretty and it’s not even a little smart, but it’s the truth.  I am hanging my head as I admit to you that I can’t stop thinking about Playboy lately – what we had, what we didn’t have due to his relationship, what we could’ve had if things had been different from the start, and worst of all, I think about him coming back to me and I want it.  Bad.  Sadly that’s not even the worst part because I also emailed him last week saying, ‘I miss you.  A lot.’  I know!  I know, I know, I know.  It’s only been about 5 weeks.

I was doing pretty well for a while.  I had stopped crying and tearing up, I’d stopped thinking about him as much…no more looking at my phone forlornly hoping it would ring every night, no more beating myself up about running yet another guy off, no more pity parties thinking about the fact that I will probably never find someone…  I really was doing good and I don’t know what changed, but that switch was flipped.

I was thinking about it over the weekend and I’m pretty sure that all these guys…I am using them all as a distraction.  I don’t want to be with any one of them right now.  Not one.  It’s sick but even though I’m not interested I let them stay there as a buffer between me and the loneliness.  Me and what was there before Playboy.  And to keep me from realizing Playboy’s not there anymore.

*Paging Dr. Phil….paging Dr. Phil…Code Red in the waiting room*

I would trade all 4 of the guys floating around to have Playboy.  Every single one of them.  It’s maybe one of the top 5 dumbest things I’ve ever said in my entire life.  Playboy doesn’t want me.  He doesn’t love me anymore.  He doesn’t miss me.  But God what I wouldn’t do to change all that.

So you see what I mean about my mind’s mutiny, and why I need brain bleach.  I am a glutton for punishment if I’ve ever seen one.

Sado-masochist, thy name is Myra22.

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