Back years ago I had a carefree kind of humor….kind of silly, really. Young and without care. I did a lot of things without thought, just being me. I spoke without thought, I laughed without thought, I was me…without thought. It sounds simple enough but when I went through that hard time back when I was 18, it really sucked the life out of me. I lost a lot of that carefree quality. I knew then that I changed but I guess I assumed I just grew up.
That part of me has been gone a long time. I have thought from time to time about how I used to write letters (the “emails” of days long past) to my friends and insert lyrics to songs, just being silly. I think of days when it wasn’t so painful for me to open up to people. When every interaction I had wasn’t overshadowed by the constant analysis going on in my brain. Those were the good old days, when fear was found on a roller coaster or watching a scary movie.
Well, if you’ve read any of my previous posts, I’ve mentioned before that I have worked on letting go of some of those fears. I’ve seen a lot of progress. That constant analysis isn’t as prevalent as it once was. Though still quite small, I can find a little trust for some people at times. I have moments of being able to contribute to group conversations that I once wouldn’t have. I’m certainly not outgoing, but at least I’m not always the wallflower cowering in the corner now.
I notice these changes and I’m quite proud of myself. I was chatting with Playboy on the computer as I usually do. There’s been a shift of some sort in our relationship recently. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it changed or what caused the change, but there’s a new level of comfort there – I know on my part, but I think on his as well. A new closeness. Things are a lot smoother between us…easier. We play and laugh a lot more. The fears I have had that normally overpower me are a lot easier to control lately. It’s still the same situation, but somehow I feel a lot safer with him in some way. I feel miles closer to him and I know he’s seeing more of the real me than I’ve shown a guy in a loooooooong time.
Anyway, we’re talking and bantering back and forth joking around like we’ve been doing and then it happens. I noticed he’d logged off as he sometimes does when he steps away from the computer. A few minutes later I realized what I’d typed and what it actually meant. I typed the words to Heartbreak Hotel…’Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell. It’s down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel!’ I was being silly. I was singing again.
…The song came back. 🙂