A song in my heart. :-)

Back years ago I had a carefree kind of humor….kind of silly, really.  Young and without care.  I did a lot of things without thought, just being me.  I spoke without thought, I laughed without thought, I was me…without thought.  It sounds simple enough but when I went through that hard time back when I was 18, it really sucked the life out of me.  I lost a lot of that carefree quality.  I knew then that I changed but I guess I assumed I just grew up.

That part of me has been gone a long time.  I have thought from time to time about how I used to write letters (the “emails” of days long past) to my friends and insert lyrics to songs, just being silly.  I think of days when it wasn’t so painful for me to open up to people.  When every interaction I had wasn’t overshadowed by the constant analysis going on in my brain.  Those were the good old days, when fear was found on a roller coaster or watching a scary movie.

Well, if you’ve read any of my previous posts, I’ve mentioned before that I have worked on letting go of some of those fears.  I’ve seen a lot of progress.  That constant analysis isn’t as prevalent as it once was.  Though still quite small, I can find a little trust for some people at times.  I have moments of being able to contribute to group conversations that I once wouldn’t have.  I’m certainly not outgoing, but at least I’m not always the wallflower cowering in the corner now.

I notice these changes and I’m quite proud of myself.  I was chatting with Playboy on the computer as I usually do.  There’s been a shift of some sort in our relationship recently.  I can’t pinpoint exactly when it changed or what caused the change, but there’s a new level of comfort there – I know on my part, but I think on his as well.  A new closeness.  Things are a lot smoother between us…easier.  We play and laugh a lot more.  The fears I have had that normally overpower me are a lot easier to control lately.  It’s still the same situation, but somehow I feel a lot safer with him in some way.  I feel miles closer to him and I know he’s seeing more of the real me than I’ve shown a guy in a loooooooong time.

Anyway, we’re talking and bantering back and forth joking around like we’ve been doing and then it happens.  I noticed he’d logged off as he sometimes does when he steps away from the computer.  A few minutes later I realized what I’d typed and what it actually meant.  I typed the words to Heartbreak Hotel…’Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.  It’s down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel!’  I was being silly.  I was singing again.

…The song came back.  🙂

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