2nd place hurts.

Being a general sap, Valentine’s Day is that holiday I’d love to celebrate.  Not just because it’s Valentine’s…  I enjoy pretty much all holidays and days-to-acknowledge because I’m a sucker for any excuse to shower my loved ones with goodies that show I care.  Especially, as I’ve found recently, if I have a special man in my life.  Valentine’s, however, is usually pretty generic for me because I just never have anyone with whom to share my love – in the romantical sense, of course.

This year is slightly different in that, while I still don’t have anyone to celebrate with as I would like, I do have someone there in a part-time role which gives me just enough that I get all sentimental and hopeful for those professions of love and affection.  As it turns out, just enough to get my hopes up then have them crushed.  Awesome.

I am fully aware of where I stand in his life.  I’m pretty sure 2nd place is a bit of an exaggeration, but for the sake of this story, I’ll go with that.

I didn’t bother hoping for flowers or candies or teddy bears.  Honestly, that’s not really my style anyway.  I’m much more of a spend-time-with-me, show-me-how-you-feel kind of girl.  So from Playboy I only requested an email telling me how much he loooooooved me, and/or a text on Valentine’s Day.  No money required, just a little of your time and effort.  I can assure you, as I did him, it would have meant the world to me.  Look, this is a girl who is accustomed to getting nothing…there hasn’t been anyone filling that role in my life in a long time, so the smallest amounts of effort impress me.

I already knew he had a long weekend ahead of him, working.  I knew he would be super busy without much alone time and no computer.  So maybe I set myself up for disappointment on this one.  I didn’t realize how much disappointment until Friday…then Saturday…then Sunday…and then most of Monday passed without one peep out of him.  My heart broke a little more each day.

This morning I finally got to talk to him on the phone.  Unfortunately he called while I was at work so interruption after interruption, on top of my hurt feelings, and his general quiet attitude equaled conversation fail.  I wanted him to apologize for breaking my heart.  He didn’t, I’m assuming because he felt like he didn’t do anything wrong though he didn’t say as much out loud.

Maybe he didn’t.  I was fully aware of how busy he would be this weekend.  I shouldn’t have put so much into receiving something from him.  It doesn’t matter though.  Sometimes you don’t have to apologize for something you did or did not do…it’s ok to apologize for how someone feels.  Just say that’s why.  “I’m sorry you’re sad.  I wanted to text you, I thought about you.  I just couldn’t.”  That can’t be so hard, can it?

The whole weekend, and the quasi-conversation this morning was just fail.  Fail after fail after fail.  He did soften up after that non-apology and tell me he missed me and wanted to see me.  Of course, that’s more fail because I know he’s not going to do anything whatsoever to make that happen.  Unless she leaves for the weekend or a day or so, we’re not going to see each other.  It’s been a month and a half already.

When Playboy makes me feel like this…or not makes…when I feel like this because of something to do with him, I think about what I deserve out of life.  It’s certainly not 2nd place.  I’m a good catch.  I may be a little neurotic at times.  I may push too much for affection when I need it.  But damnit, I’m a good woman.  I’m fun, I’m cheerful, love to play.  Affectionate.  Don’t like to fight.  No drama.  I’m independent – financially and personally.  I just want to love and be loved.  It’s the only thing missing in my life.

I prayed very hard this weekend for someone to come along who can fill that role for me.  (I’ve prayed millions of prayers over the years and I’m still single, so I’m not holding out much hope anymore but whatever…)  I cried and I prayed.  I wish ideally for Playboy to be the man I need, but I feel like that’s not gonna happen no matter what I do…so if that can’t happen, I hope sometime soon a great guy comes along.  Someone that will appreciate what I have to offer, and who can offer me the same in return.  It’s hard to still have hope after all these years, but when he comes along, I hope Playboy finally realizes what he’s lost in me.  Because I’m better than someone’s 2nd place.

As I was typing this, he did apologize.  It was hard to finish because that made me feel better, but I wanted to stay true to what I was originally posting.  He could be that guy I’m looking for, if he’d just make the decision to be with me.  I’m sure it’s much more complicated on his end than I’m giving credit for, but I don’t see that.  This is what I want though.  I want my boy.