Fear of Trying

Have you ever wanted to do something but held yourself back because you were afraid to fail? That’s what I’ve done for years now. A lot of years now. If I couldn’t be the best at something – just naturally, of course I wouldn’t actually try – then I wouldn’t do it. And I didn’t only avoid competition of any kind…I stopped doing anything. Even writing – for my eyes only. I love writing. I always have, since I was a little girl. The desire is in me every single day, but if I sat down to actually try, it all left me. It still does more times than not.

From the smallest things to the largest, the fear of failure has kept me from living.  I didn’t graduate college.  I never played sports.  I don’t write, as I mentioned, but I don’t do any creative activity whatsoever.  Basically, if it requires me to “stick my neck out” in any way, I have not done it.  I have not forced myself to try.

It was maybe 7 or 8 years ago that I looked around myself and saw things about me that I did not like.  I was angry, cynical, bitter, and negative.  So I started trying to change those things.  I’ve actually made a lot of progress…I mean, I’ve had 7 years so if I haven’t, it’s probably time to change course, right?  So it’s helping.  Look!  I’ve hit 238 words already!  Granted, it’s taken me about 1 1/2 hours to fight my way to this point, but I’m beginning to hit a plateau of sorts and the words are coming easier.

The fears I have in me have been there long enough to grow some strong roots.  It’s been a long, hard fight but I am determined to win.  Little by little I am coming out of my shell.  Fortunately, the more I step out the more I learn that this big, bad world I’ve hidden from for so long isn’t as scary as I let myself believe.  Even if something doesn’t go my way, I have learned that I can handle it. 

If you live in a way that you never get hurt or disappointed, then you haven’t truly lived.  I thought all these years that I was protecting myself from hurt, but what I realized is I wasn’t doing that at all.  In fact, I hurt more.  Ironic really, how it worked.  Existing, not living. 

Now though, I am fighting to turn the tides.  I no longer want to exist.  I want to live.  I want to try.  So inch by inch, I step out.  I beat the fears bit by bit.  It won’t go away overnight, but I know I’ve made progress.  449 words says so!  🙂 

I am determined to try.

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