I’m finally giving in to the madness and starting a blog. I estimate I’m around 13 years late jumping on this trendy bandwagon, but that’s about par for the course in my world. In high school I didn’t get the one-piece clown suits that were all the rage until they were already out of style. I rocked that thing for probably an entire school year regardless. Raise your hand if you think I was one of the popular kids…. Anyone?
So this 13 year delay – give or take….you know, I am aware there are millions upon millions of blogs out there. What do I have to say that is different? That has been my internal debate whenever the urge hits me. Well look, I may not have the first interesting thing to say ever – I make no promises – but I’ve decided it gets me writing and that’s what I want to do.
To give a little info about me…well, full disclosure first, I will be anonymous for this blog. My name is not Myra or any variation thereof. I am not 22 and that number has nothing to do with anything about me. They both fell from the stars as I was creating my user name. 🙂
I chose to do it this way because this will be my outlet for the ‘crazy’. (We’ll get into that a little more later, I assure you.) I will be completely and painfully honest about myself and my life in this blog. I make mistakes, I do things I am not proud of, and I’m trying to find my way in life. So though I am putting this out here in blog world, I do not want to be judged. With that said… Hello, my name is Myra. Nice to meet you.
I mentioned the motivation for starting this blog earlier was so I could write. Writing is, for me, like standing in line to the ferris wheel but never actually making it to the ride. It’s a pretty masochistic process. Despite a virtually constant desire to put pen to paper, I can not seem to make the connection happen. Any brilliant ideas I have fade away as soon as I sit in front of a computer. What does make it endures such abuse it’s basically dead in the water. Therefore, I have decided just getting something out there can possibly help me to get those creative sparks firing again. We shall see what happens.
What will I write about? Well, that ‘crazy’ I mentioned earlier…basically, that. I’ve been working for quite a few years now to become a person who is not governed by my fears. I’m still working. It has been a long and difficult process, believe me.
The big fears I am fighting are abandonment, rejection, and trust. I basically stopped living any sort of life at one point. Can’t write because what if someone doesn’t think it’s good? Can’t trust because what if someone hurts you? Can’t let anyone in because what if they leave? Can’t love because all of the above. Not only did I allow myself to stop living, each fear has caused me to make any number of asses out of myself over the years.
This, Blogging Back to the Middle, is my journey back. India Arie has a song titled ‘Back to the Middle’ on her first album Acoustic Soul. In the song are the lyrics:
“Needing to protect yourself now that’s just a part of life.
If you let your fears keep you from flying,
you will never reach your height.
To get to the top you must come back to the middle.”
I allow my fears to hold me back. I allow them to cause me to act erratically at times and send me into a near panic attack. I have alienated friends and family, as well as myself.
I fight daily with this. Sometimes I win the battles, and sometimes I lose. I just want to end the inconsistency. I want to stop the paranoia. I want to find my middle. I hope you choose to join me on my journey. 🙂