Once in a Blue Moon

He was never mine to begin with.  I had no claim on him.  So it really shouldn’t bother me, watching him move on.  Yet it does.

He was never mine and shouldn’t have been.  He lives in another country, for goodness sake.  But that didn’t matter to me at the time.  It wasn’t about where he was or where I was.  It was about that connection.

I have a hard time making connections.  Especially in a potential romantic situation.  So when I met this guy – over the internet – and we had one it was like the clouds had parted and heaven was shining down on me.  (Hear the angels heralding?)

A little time passes and I do some major freaking out over something I shouldn’t have even mentioned and away he goes.  (It’s a talent I’ve developed over time.)  Where we once spoke every single day, he didn’t speak to me for 2 or 3 months.  I tried to apologize.  Well, I didn’t try, I did.

We have since spoken and moved on from that, just recently.  The difference is, he didn’t come back the way he left.  He came back with a girlfriend.  And God bless him, it’s great for him.

I could have never filled that role if I’m honest with myself.  Because of the distance alone.  But damnit, that was my connection.  That was my “once in a blue moon”.

Thank God I don’t have to watch it happen in person, right in my face.  Honestly.  Because ouch.  Instead, I get to watch it on Facebook.  His new profile picture of the two of them.  Her by his side where I should’ve been.  Him joining little fan groups like ‘I love thinking of our future together’ and ‘I don’t care if it’s 5 minutes or the whole night, I just want to see you’.  *BARF!!!* I can’t hate though, because the knife that just stabbed me in the chest?  It’s what could’ve been.

I know he couldn’t be the guy for me.  Obviously.  But that doesn’t matter.  I’m still alone while he’s off being someone else’s fella.  He’s giving my blue moon lovin’ to her, and now I have to go find another one.  C’est la vie.

Fear of Trying

Have you ever wanted to do something but held yourself back because you were afraid to fail? That’s what I’ve done for years now. A lot of years now. If I couldn’t be the best at something – just naturally, of course I wouldn’t actually try – then I wouldn’t do it. And I didn’t only avoid competition of any kind…I stopped doing anything. Even writing – for my eyes only. I love writing. I always have, since I was a little girl. The desire is in me every single day, but if I sat down to actually try, it all left me. It still does more times than not.

From the smallest things to the largest, the fear of failure has kept me from living.  I didn’t graduate college.  I never played sports.  I don’t write, as I mentioned, but I don’t do any creative activity whatsoever.  Basically, if it requires me to “stick my neck out” in any way, I have not done it.  I have not forced myself to try.

It was maybe 7 or 8 years ago that I looked around myself and saw things about me that I did not like.  I was angry, cynical, bitter, and negative.  So I started trying to change those things.  I’ve actually made a lot of progress…I mean, I’ve had 7 years so if I haven’t, it’s probably time to change course, right?  So it’s helping.  Look!  I’ve hit 238 words already!  Granted, it’s taken me about 1 1/2 hours to fight my way to this point, but I’m beginning to hit a plateau of sorts and the words are coming easier.

The fears I have in me have been there long enough to grow some strong roots.  It’s been a long, hard fight but I am determined to win.  Little by little I am coming out of my shell.  Fortunately, the more I step out the more I learn that this big, bad world I’ve hidden from for so long isn’t as scary as I let myself believe.  Even if something doesn’t go my way, I have learned that I can handle it. 

If you live in a way that you never get hurt or disappointed, then you haven’t truly lived.  I thought all these years that I was protecting myself from hurt, but what I realized is I wasn’t doing that at all.  In fact, I hurt more.  Ironic really, how it worked.  Existing, not living. 

Now though, I am fighting to turn the tides.  I no longer want to exist.  I want to live.  I want to try.  So inch by inch, I step out.  I beat the fears bit by bit.  It won’t go away overnight, but I know I’ve made progress.  449 words says so!  🙂 

I am determined to try.

Where is God?

This is something I’ve struggled with for a while now.  I have friends who talk about feeling God’s presence.  They have a whole heap of faith – at least compared to me.  Personally, I can count on one hand the times in my life when I could have possibly felt His presence.

I have read books, I have prayed, I have cried, begged, and pleaded.  I’ve tried to do the “right things”.  I’ve been positive, I’ve been negative.  I’ve tried time and again to read the bible regularly – that thing is boring.  Sit, be quiet, and listen?  I heard ringing in my ears and finally gave up.

I’ve been a good person for a long time….it doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’ve done things that would be frowned upon…doesn’t change anything either.  You can go into pretty much any situation expecting a certain outcome and you’ll find what you’re looking for – good or bad.

I would love to believe there is a higher power out there.  That there’s a purpose to this life.  I just can’t find it.  Where is He?

Introducing….me.

I’m finally giving in to the madness and starting a blog.  I estimate I’m around 13 years late jumping on this trendy bandwagon, but that’s about par for the course in my world.  In high school I didn’t get the one-piece clown suits that were all the rage until they were already out of style.  I rocked that thing for probably an entire school year regardless.  Raise your hand if you think I was one of the popular kids….  Anyone?

So this 13 year delay – give or take….you know, I am aware there are millions upon millions of blogs out there.  What do I have to say that is different?  That has been my internal debate whenever the urge hits me.  Well look, I may not have the first interesting thing to say ever – I make no promises – but I’ve decided it gets me writing and that’s what I want to do.

To give a little info about me…well, full disclosure first, I will be anonymous for this blog.  My name is not Myra or any variation thereof.  I am not 22 and that number has nothing to do with anything about me.  They both fell from the stars as I was creating my user name.  🙂

I chose to do it this way because this will be my outlet for the ‘crazy’.  (We’ll get into that a little more later, I assure you.)  I will be completely and painfully honest about myself and my life in this blog.  I make mistakes, I do things I am not proud of, and I’m trying to find my way in life.  So though I am putting this out here in blog world, I do not want to be judged.  With that said… Hello, my name is Myra.  Nice to meet you.

I mentioned the motivation for starting this blog earlier was so I could write.  Writing is, for me, like standing in line to the ferris wheel but never actually making it to the ride.  It’s a pretty masochistic process.  Despite a virtually constant desire to put pen to paper, I can not seem to make the connection happen.  Any brilliant ideas I have fade away as soon as I sit in front of a computer.  What does make it endures such abuse it’s basically dead in the water.  Therefore, I have decided just getting something out there can possibly help me to get those creative sparks firing again.  We shall see what happens.

What will I write about?  Well, that ‘crazy’ I mentioned earlier…basically, that.  I’ve been working for quite a few years now to become a person who is not governed by my fears.  I’m still working.  It has been a long and difficult process, believe me.

The big fears I am fighting are abandonment, rejection, and trust.  I basically stopped living any sort of life at one point.  Can’t write because what if someone doesn’t think it’s good?  Can’t trust because what if someone hurts you?  Can’t let anyone in because what if they leave?  Can’t love because all of the above.  Not only did I allow myself to stop living, each fear has caused me to make any number of asses out of myself over the years.

This, Blogging Back to the Middle, is my journey back.  India Arie has a song titled ‘Back to the Middle’ on her first album Acoustic Soul.  In the song are the lyrics:

“Needing to protect yourself now that’s just a part of life.
If you let your fears keep you from flying,
you will never reach your height.
To get to the top you must come back to the middle.”

I allow my fears to hold me back.  I allow them to cause me to act erratically at times and send me into a near panic attack.  I have alienated friends and family, as well as myself.

I fight daily with this.  Sometimes I win the battles, and sometimes I lose.  I just want to end the inconsistency.  I want to stop the paranoia.  I want to find my middle.  I hope you choose to join me on my journey.  🙂